Memoirs of a Fat Girl

OPENING SCENE: RAJ AND JAMES' HOUSE. OCCUPANTS CRANKY

Me: Darling, the house is looking marvelous

Raj: Thank you, Kookoo. You know how it goes, a little here, a little there.

Me: How much little here and little there is left?

Raj: A lot of littles.

Me: That's okay princess, it will get done. All in good time.

Raj: What shall we do tonight? Dinner and a movie?

Me: Sounds fabulous.

Raj: James, we're hungry. Go and make us something.

James: Okay.

James meanders over to the kitchen.

Me: Really darling, you forgot to snap your fingers.

Raj: He loves doing this, trust me.

Fifteen minutes later, James emerges from the kitchen with three salads: baby greens mixed in homemade vinaigrette, topped with olives, cherry tomatoes, seedless grapes and Stilton cheese. Everything is arranged on rectangular white platters made from shells, paired with matching chopsticks.

Me: James, this is gorgeous. If you were straight I'd be all over you like a cheap rug.

James: This is just the starter.

Me: Then it's better you're not straight. If I ate like this all the time I'd be a beach ball.

Raj: Which movie shall we watch?

Me: What do you have?

Raj: Thriller? Drama? Romance?

James: How about Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?

Me: Ooo, Elvira! Bad eighties humour!

James: And gargantuan breasts!

Raj pops the movie in while James brings out the second course: roast pork arranged in a small mountain, and creamy pasta.

Me: James, this is intense. How do you do it?

Raj: Lots of good sex.

James: Shh. Elvira's about to shave the poodle.

Me: Dirty!