Memoirs of a Fat Girl

ADVERTISING & PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM LOOKING TO IMMEDIATELY FILL 11 POSITIONS IN SALES, MARKETING & PROMOTIONS. APPLY NOW!

This was an ad I responded to a few days ago. I have a little marketing experience, even littler sales experience, but plenty of promotional, so I tried it out. Within an hour of hitting the "Send" button on the e-mail, I was called in for an interview. I bought me some nice brown heels, got all dolled up, then made the journey across town for the meeting.

Sign #1 that things were about to go terribly wrong: The weather. It was raining cats, dogs, monkeys and elephants. It was raining so hard that the entire left side of my body was completely soaked in the short walk from the train station to the building across the street.

Sign #2 that things were about to go terribly wrong: While I was in the lobby waiting for the elevator, a teenage girl dressed in pinstripe and glitter from head to toe says to me, "Ma'am, do you know which floor suite 462 is?"

That was where I was headed. I was tempted to ask her what summerschool class she was skipping and then read her the riot act for calling me ma'am but instead just told her, "I'm guessing it's on the fourth floor."

Sign #3 that things were about to go terribly wrong: The secretary at the reception desk was bopping to some very, very loud bhangra music.

Sign #4 that things were about to go terribly wrong: Being asked to fill out a form that asked if I'd had any prior convictions. While I can happily circle NO in such cases, these kinds of jobs usually don't have very exacting standards.

Sign #5 that things were about to go terribly wrong: Looking around the waiting room, and realizing that it is full of kids. Wearing jeans.

Sign #6 that things were about to go terribly wrong: The interviewer is also younger than I am. He leads me into his office, I have a seat, and he starts the 411 with, "So, where are you from?"

That's a first. I'd think it was pretty obvious. "I'm from here. Where are you from?"

He smiled. Lot of teeth, this boy had. "Salt Lake City, the office just transferred me a few months ago."

After hearing that, I was tempted to ask his views on polygamy and if he watched the show Big Love, but thought better of it. "I've heard Salt Lake City is very beautiful."

"Yes, it is." He flipped through my resume. "You're very well educated."

Damn straight. Probably better than you. "I find education such an integral, enriching part of life, especially in these times. My schooling was very important to me."

"Would you be able to start immediately?"

You wicked thing, we've just met! "Of course. I'm a quick learner and always eager to be hands on as soon as possible."

"Why are you looking to leave your current job?"

So the corporate underbelly that you are a part of can continue taunting and raping me. "Growth. I feel I've gone as far as I can go in my present job, and would like to really like to feel that I'm more on the path towards a career."

Salt Lake City cleared his throat and started taking notes with his shiny cross pen. "Well, that's certainly understandable. Do you consider yourself a people person?"

No, I'm a hermit. I had to be heavily drugged to even make it down here today. "Of course. I find it very easy to talk to people and they find it very easy to talk to me. As you can see, my journalism background would help enormously with this aspect, as I am experienced with interviewing people from all walks of life, and making them feel at ease in my presence."

"On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the highest, where would you rate your people skills?"

A fucking 20, asshole! "Oh, definitely a 10. I'm very outgoing."

"Are you capable of working in a team environment?"

Once I'm severely beaten, hosed down and locked up in a straitjacket, I'm a heck of a lot of fun. "Definitely. I find it so refreshing to meet and work with others, not to mention build upon each others' ideas."

"What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you have any hobbies?"

Was he serious? Taxidermy, food fights and naked trapeze. "Well, I do love to read. I've traveled a fair bit, photography, writing and of course, spending time with my dog."

"Have you checked out the company website?"

Oops. Bad girl. I hadn't done that. Think fast. "Under normal circumstances I would have, but my computer has been on the fritz for the past few days, so I had it taken in for repairs." A little white lie couldn't hurt.

Salt Lake City kicked back, and started his schpiel. "I'll tell you a bit about the company and the job, then. While it's not exactly what you would call telemarketing..."

Shit, lord, fuck. This is telemarketing. Things have now officially gone terribly wrong.

"... it is a very sales driven, people oriented workplace. We hold events across town that we always receive free tickets for, and promote these companies by finding customers and attendees. What you would do for us is meet with people and really drive sales pitches, convince them to be a part of things. Does that make sense?"

Yeah, I get it. Glorified telemarketing. "Yes, it's all very clear."

"So what we're looking for is energetic people, and team players eager to make a difference. Are you with us?"

Honey, I jumped ship a long time ago. "You betcha!"

"That's what I like to hear! Do you have a problem starting at entry level?"

YES. "No, not at all."

"Obviously you seem very mature, and are... more ahead... of our usual employees. Since you're looking for a career out of this, we would eventually be promoting you to team trainer, and then office manager, which is my current position."

Woohoo! I get to be just like you! "That sounds very promising."

"Our starting salary is two dollars more than minimum wage. Are you okay with that?"

I am so not okay with that. "As long as I have opportunity for corporate and career growth, I'm fine with that."

"The work hours here are from 10am to 8:30pm every day. Would that be a problem?"

No, I truly plan on quitting my current job to be your slave at half the money and double the hours. The smile that is plastered on my face is fake as all hell, and I'm nodding not out of excitement, but because I can't believe what a moron you really are. "I'm a quick learner and can adapt to any work environment, hours included. I'm flexible."

"Well, I have to say that I'm pleased with your enthusiasm and it's highly probable that you'll be getting a callback. I'm looking forward to having you join our team."

And I am looking forward to my next tetanus shot. "The pleasure is all mine. Thank you for the opportunity."

I might have left the office a little too fast. Hasta la vista, Salt Lake City.

What is the moral of this story?

Check the company website and, for pete's sake, take extra band aids when you're wearing new heels.