The Butt Book

Tosca Reno is a great piece of ass. She has a bum so perfect, so well proportioned and muscled in all the right areas, it makes me want to slide my hands up those cheeks and give a good squeeze.

It's not just an ass, it's art.

It's little wonder that after highly admiring Tosca's rear end, I purchased her masterpiece and offering to all us regular women in the hopes to achieve the same, brilliant posterior, The Butt Book.

Girls who want better butts buy The Butt Book. I want a better butt and its subtitle and claim, How to Build a Non-Cellulite and Fat-Free Butt in 9 Weeks, had me sprinting to the cash. Anything that can get me better buns in two months and some change has my attention. And, best of all, The Butt Book is basic. Eat right, exercise, and use these key moves for the behind of your dreams.

There are five plus one of these moves: kickbacks, hip thrusts, squats, walking lunges, mule kicks, and butt squeezes.

Butt Book: A Kickback, or leg raise, involves standing with your feet together, hands on hips, then lifting one leg behind you, squeezing your muscles until the leg is lowered. Repeat with the other leg. Within a couple of weeks you should be able to do three to four sets of 15 reps.

Me: Lord have Mercy, who would think something that sounded so simple could hurt so much? I got through a few of them okay, but by the time I got to ten I was teetering so badly I had to grab onto something to keep my balance. Must. Keep. Kicking.

Butt Book: With hip thrusts, lie down on the floor with your hands beside you. Draw your knees up and raise your bottom as high as you can, squeezing all the while.

Me: Once you get over the fact that you look like you're pelvicly thrusting in a Richard Simmons wet dream gone wrong, this is one of those exercises that you can't live without. Work it, girl!

Butt Book: To do squats, stand with your legs shoulder width apart, hands on hips, and sink slowly to the ground until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Back flat, head up and hold for a count of two, squeezing at all times and rising back up to your starting position.

Me: Ah yes, we all know these. Squats are evil incarnate. You look like an idiot, you feel like an idiot, you're sticking your ass out like a two-bit whore, and it burns like hell. When all is said and done, I'd better be able to bounce pennies off my cheeks after endless, accumulated hours of this.

Butt Book: To begin your lunges, stand with your legs together, hands on hips, keeping your knees soft and contracting your rear. Take a step forward with one leg, leaving that foot flat on the floor, bending the back knee of your other leg towards the floor. Return to your original position, and repeat with the other leg.

Me: If squats are evil incarnate, lunges are the minions of Lucifer. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I need them. Ouch.

Butt Book: Let's do some Mule Kicks! Get on your hands and knees on the floor. Back flat, head up, elbows locked, feet and knees together. With one foot flexed and knee bent, lift your leg as high as you can, squeezing your behind. Hold for a couple of seconds, then draw the leg back down and under you. Do ten counts, then repeat with the other leg.

Me: I look like a friggin' donkey. I'm so embarrassed that I'm actually doing these in the basement with the curtains drawn. Did I mention that they hurt like a bitch?

Butt Book: Your mystery exercise is one that you can do anytime, and that is to give your buns a tight squeeze every time you take a step.

Me: This is all fine and dandy, and I did try these with the best of intentions, until my right cheek cramped up and I made a scene on the subway platform.

I feel great! My ass doesn't. It feels like saltwater taffy, pulled and abused in all the wrong ways. I know one day it will purr and say, "Thank you, Mommy," but right now all it can manage is a weak, pathetic, "Uncle".

Thank you, Tosca! Eight weeks and six days to go. Want. Tight. Buns. Must. Keep. On. It.