Memoirs of a Fat Girl

If you want to feel inadequate and ugly, have a pedicure beside Miss Universe.

After acknowledging the tragedy of my toes, I popped into the spa for a quick ped and was barely into the preliminary soak when her majesty, Miss Universe, settled into the foot bath beside mine. I didn't notice her at first, was too absorbed in my new book Skinny Bitch, but then it's hard to ignore every customer in the spa gawking at the gorgeous creation sitting next to you, one even going so far as to comment, "How on earth did you get to be so beautiful?"

If beauty is numbing, then this woman is too magnificent for words. Miss Universe is tall with green eyes, dark brown, almost black straight hair, and a smile right out of a Crest commercial. She has a slender, perfect figure, a size four at most, and an outgoing personality to match. She is perfection brought to life.

I was the only person in the spa who didn't try to talk to her. I was too busy pretending to read, looking at her out of the corner of my eye, feeling 13, awkward and pimply again.

If this is truly the Queen of the Universe, I am its court jester.

In my defense, lots of regular girls would shy in the presence of a glamazon. This is the way women are. We can recognize beauty better than men, because we take it apart in a way they never will. And then, we will do one of three things: admire it, diss it, or pale next to it.

Next to this woman, I was paling something fierce. Maybe if it had been anyone else I wouldn't have cared so much and kept right on reading, but not this time. I have a special bond with Miss Universe because, as it turns out, she and I have a few things in common. In fact, if you put our lives on paper, the first couple of paragraphs could convince anyone that we are the same person.

Miss Universe's roots are Eastern European. So are mine. She emigrated to North America and from then on until winning her title, we lived in the same city. We graduated from the same university, are within an inch of each other in height, and have the same colour eyes & hair.

We even have the same first name.

After that, it's nothing but different. This gorgeous woman, this unbelievable creature is the winner of the world's top beauty prize. The universe, actually, as per the ribbon often slung over her shoulder. And while I won't be breaking mirrors anytime soon, next to this woman I am simply... me. Next to this icon of perfection, I felt all undereye circles, bloating and bad hair days.

It makes me wonder that if I hadn't let "surrounding tension" step in the way that I had, would I now be as glittering as this? If, now, I were to take care of myself that much, prize myself as well as she does, would I be able to stop traffic, light up a room, wear a crown?

My own crown, that is. I'm a bit of a geezer to be thinking of beauty contests at this age.

When my feet were pretty and my toes lacquered orange, I carefully manuevered back into my flip flops, paid for the pedicure, and turned to leave. But not before taking a last look at Miss Universe, who, surprisingly, was looking at me.

She smiled at me, and I smiled back. And then, simultaneously, we went back to our lives. Miss Universe went back to her magazine, and I left the spa.

If women can judge beauty better than men, we can judge expression even better. We are masters at recognizing truth and more often, manipulation. We can spot a fake smile from a mile away. Miss Universe's smile was 100% real juice. Genuine. In the admire, diss, pale categories, you can't possibly diss a woman like that.

I stopped into a cafe next door to grab some tea before running a few errands, where the slow little cashier, as usual, made me wait for my tea. And while I was waiting for my tea, the CD player started to skip on some choice K.T. Tunstall lyrics:

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

Heaven sent.

I don't want to be Miss Universe. But I do want to feel like a winner, like everything is right with the world and with me. Because when I feel like that, I will smile like Miss Universe.