Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Once there was a boy named Jess. When he was good he was very very good, but when he was bad he was awful.

I'm not waiting around for very very good anymore. I've had enough with the awful.

It still hurts. Not like before, that was a bad unique unto itself. If that first experience did anything for me, it cushioned this blow.

A breakup is the gift that keeps on giving; the knife in your heart that keeps on twisting. Do do do do, rolling on the river. Can't say I wasn't warned, though. You all did your best to tell me like it was, and many others at that. That first time I was more than prepared to walk away without looking back, but there was something in his voice, a geniune caring that I hadn't heard in so long... I thought it would make all the difference. He won me over.

I really did want us to pull through. I really did. What will I do without my Jess, his beautiful green eyes, mischievous grin, creeping up behind me to slide his hands around my waist and kiss my neck? What will I do without my video games buddy on a lazy Sunday, the man who made the best blueberry pancakes in the world, or wrote out a list of 101 reasons why he loved me, as part of my Christmas present?

I will be lost.

Then again, what will I do without all the yelling, insults, guilt, blame, crying, headaches, and constant second guessing?

Relief.

I could do even more with the hope that just maybe there is a man out there who will believe in me, and an Us, and wouldn't mind making me a part of his life. Very simply, because he would love me.

That sounds good, too.

Last February, I picked up It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken by Greg Behrendt and his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. I read the whole thing cover to cover but, given present circumstances, took it back out for a spin. Once again, the same line caught my attention:

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

It is one of my two new mantras. The other is courtesy of Raj: "Enough! Flush him already!"

The judge has spoken, my heart is broken, nooobody knows my sorrow.

I've had my heart broken before. We all have. As shitty as Jess treated me, this isn't the worst my heart has been hit. One before him did an even more thorough job.

I wasn't planning another Men and the Boys so soon, but it's time. Ironically enough, today is even his birthday.

I guess July 25th was never meant to be my lucky day.

5 comments:

With Love, Fat Girl said...

Like I said, he has his good days and he has his bad days.

During his bad days, he is an absolute insensitive prick. Which is why I've had enough of the whole thing.

nunyabiznaz said...

Hi! I had my own guy like you describe. It just took me 12 long years to finally get it through my thick skull that this really his who he is and he will not be changing. Some people are slower learners than others I supposed.

Hope said...

ooooh! sister! You had to do it, no need in beating yourself up...we all want love and trying for it hurts, but it's a wonderful thing to find. THIS guy...is not where you are going to find it and you are a smart girl...and you know this now, and you gave it your best and he's a pig. (wants to leave her husband for me...go for it!!!! WHAT A JERK FOR EVEN SAYING THAT LETTING ALONE WANTING A RESPONSE FROM YOU...EWE)(ewe and ick) so listen to Raj and flush him and go back to working on your butt and your apartment...and keep writing in here!!!!! You are awesome!!!!!!

Lixi said...

Just because you loved a guy who does not so loveable things more often than not these days than in the begining, does not diminish the fact that you loved and were loved by him and that there were some beautiful, special memories that you both shared.

There were good qualities and memories that you both shared that brought you to the point where you felt love for him. It hurts like hell now, and it's probably because he's more a not-so-good-guy right now, but remember--- you are beautiful.

You found that capacity in you to love another person, to gie yourself completely. Just because he chose to be a not so good fella, does not mean that you were wrong at the time to care for him then, wrong to want what you had, what you meant to each other.

All it means right now, is that he's not worthy of the gift of your love. Not right now. It hurts because you care. Good, loving, loved, decent, remarkable, smart, people tend to do that: Share their love.

It's easy for us who are friends of people who are hurt, to tell you what a rotten good for nothing creep he has turned out to be. You know this, you feel it. But we have to remember that at one point, he made you happy to and in that happiness there is beauty that you will want to remember. AT least some day.

Puse, darling.

With Love, Fat Girl said...

You guys are the wind beneath my wings. I hate being mushy, but really. Every little bit helps, and I thank you for that.

I know in a while I'll be okay but for now, I just want to sulk, pout and be a shit in general.