Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Once there was a boy named Jess. When he was good he was very very good, but when he was bad he was awful.

I'm not waiting around for very very good anymore. I've had enough with the awful.

It still hurts. Not like before, that was a bad unique unto itself. If that first experience did anything for me, it cushioned this blow.

A breakup is the gift that keeps on giving; the knife in your heart that keeps on twisting. Do do do do, rolling on the river. Can't say I wasn't warned, though. You all did your best to tell me like it was, and many others at that. That first time I was more than prepared to walk away without looking back, but there was something in his voice, a geniune caring that I hadn't heard in so long... I thought it would make all the difference. He won me over.

I really did want us to pull through. I really did. What will I do without my Jess, his beautiful green eyes, mischievous grin, creeping up behind me to slide his hands around my waist and kiss my neck? What will I do without my video games buddy on a lazy Sunday, the man who made the best blueberry pancakes in the world, or wrote out a list of 101 reasons why he loved me, as part of my Christmas present?

I will be lost.

Then again, what will I do without all the yelling, insults, guilt, blame, crying, headaches, and constant second guessing?

Relief.

I could do even more with the hope that just maybe there is a man out there who will believe in me, and an Us, and wouldn't mind making me a part of his life. Very simply, because he would love me.

That sounds good, too.

Last February, I picked up It's Called a Breakup because it's Broken by Greg Behrendt and his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. I read the whole thing cover to cover but, given present circumstances, took it back out for a spin. Once again, the same line caught my attention:

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

It is one of my two new mantras. The other is courtesy of Raj: "Enough! Flush him already!"

The judge has spoken, my heart is broken, nooobody knows my sorrow.

I've had my heart broken before. We all have. As shitty as Jess treated me, this isn't the worst my heart has been hit. One before him did an even more thorough job.

I wasn't planning another Men and the Boys so soon, but it's time. Ironically enough, today is even his birthday.

I guess July 25th was never meant to be my lucky day.