Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Jess and I have agreed to have an "Open Relationship." That means we're still together but since we live long distance, will now be sleeping with other people. To tide over our sexual needs, see. After all, sex and love can be two very different things.

This all came about last night after yet another disastrous talk. I told him I missed him, and he lost it cause "he can't do anything about it." He's confused and he needs to think about a lot of things, translation, "I'm not so sure I want to be with you."

I'd really love to smack him upside the head sometimes, just for being a jerk. Then I'd like to get my head checked, since I obviously do not speak Male. Our Christmas time together went relatively well and we got a lot of issues out on the table and when he left, I truly thought we'd reached some kind of new place. Honesty, appreciation, realization, and a little more growing up on both our parts. But then like always, he goes home, lives his life and gets mad at me for not being, looking or acting in the way that he wants. So I brought up the Open Relationship idea.

Surprised it was me? I am too. It's usually such a testosterone loaded option. I just started thinking, maybe it's unfair of me to expect total faithfulness when we're not going to be in the same time zone for awhile. We're young, and we have needs. It's just sex, not love. I am still his heart.

Part of me thinks I'm being totally modern and understanding, and is open to a new experience or two. The other part just wants to crawl under the bed and rot.

Why do I have no spine when it comes to this man? I am well educated, well spoken, and I travel the world. In my everyday life I'm known as the girl that doesn't take crap. I was nicknamed "Shooter" at a paper I used to be at, for constantly shooting off my mouth and my pen. I almost got arrested for telling off the manager of a movie theater. I have made a superintendent cry. I was a News Editor when I was twenty and believe me, I fired at will. I've eaten alligator, ostrich and sea urchin for the hell of it, and I emceed a wedding with a whip.

But he says or does just one small thing without the best of intentions, and I become an emotional wreck without even a penny's worth of common sense.

I keep thinking about this open relationship deal and telling myself over and over that if you love something set it free, bla bla. I know if we're meant to be together we'll see this through, but in the meantime, why does it have to hurt so much?