The Men and the Boys

Dad, you are a great father and you were always there for me. Even during the tough times, and there were many, you always put your girls before yourself. We never grew up in want of anything.

But you weren't a great husband, Dad. You never hit Mom and you weren't a user or a drunk, but there are other ways to destroy a person. And all those small times you destroyed her, she took it out on us.

I can't go too deep not only because you don't know I'm writing this, but because you never agreed to share your story with anyone. This is strictly mine. But I will say that the first lessons I learned about the relationship between a man and a woman were about control, anger, fear, barriers, mistrust and disrespect.

I look at my life now and the men that have been a part of it, the men that I've truly claimed to love that is, and the pattern plays itself out over and over again. I please and I please and I please until I forget myself, and all that's left is an empty shell. I know you would want better for your daughter, Dad.

It's been a long time. I'm a big girl now and have made my peace with you, even if I've never said it. I know you tried, and I know you're just a man. But if I had to do it all over again and was given a choice, I would rather have been in a happier home with only one of my parents, than in a problematic house with both. Maybe that way I could have learned to sometimes put myself first.

I'm sorry.

Dad.