Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Raj and James are renovating their house. When did they get a house? A few months ago. But you thought they had a fantastic, spanking new 1700 square foot condo in one of the trendiest parts of town being built as I type this? A condo they haven't even closed on, in fact? Of course, darling, they have that too. However, Raj has declared the condo "unfit" and "claustrophobic", so he ran right on out and got himself a fixer upper.

I'm a lot harsh on Raj, mostly because he drives me absolutely, interminably, devastatingly insane. A lot of people have driven and continue to drive me insane, but not like Raj. If he catches me at the wrong time and I hear the whining start, my blood pressure hits the roof.

So here's the five cent version. Last year Raj and James did what I had done not too long before, and that was buy their own place off a blueprint. Our town is popping at the seams which in turn sparked a construction boom, so there is no shortage of cool, new condos and townhouses to pick from. It is more sensible these days to own then to rent, however, there's a big catch: buying off the blueprint is much, much cheaper. The minute shovels break ground, prices skyrocket. You may be able to afford what's on the paper, but you definitely can't afford it once it's built. If you want to own, you have to hurry.

Raj hurried. In true Raj fashion, he forged on, full speed ahead, blinders intact, and signed on the dotted line. In true Raj fashion, he flipped out when he saw the final result, and had a series of anxiety attacks.

Raj never falls in love with the place, he falls in love with the vision. Fabulous city condo, barbecues and espresso parties on the huge terrace, which is bedecked with Japanese lanterns. He is the gracious hostess, he is the supermodel, prancing to and fro in Italian hip hugger jeans while we all marvel, "Just how do you do it?"

Reality is not the vision. While the condo is still incredible and glamorous, Raj had no control over the building coming up next door, or the neighbour's terrace that is all of 10 feet away from their own. According to Raj, this has completely spoiled the view. As we should all know, "the view is the most important thing, kookoo."

Well, then. If I operated on this theory, I'd still be holding out for the midtown penthouse with mortgage payments costing 25 cents per year. As it is, I am happy to have what I have.

Now that Raj's view has been spoiled, he does what only he can do best. He calls me to whine, makes James cry, then goes on the prowl for another home. He throws himself into this project with as much ferocity as he does everything else and, what do you know, finds a house he just LOVES, post haste.

Said house is semi-detached, three floors, three bedrooms, and located near a historic castle. But wait! Remember it's not the house Raj is in love with, but the vision. What he sees here is fresh spring mornings on the master balcony, romantic dinners by the fireplace. a hammock in the backyard, and a fluffy white poodle running around. My girls do not have a poodle, and I have banned Raj from even thinking about it. Again, in true Raj fashion, he has heeded my advice, and googled some breeders. I saw a number for one on a sticky note over the desk.

While this vision was all very pretty and sweet, we cannot ignore the fact that the house needed tons of work, and was built on faulty foundations, no less. Raj ignored this completely, purchased the whole shebang, and is now neck deep in the financial quicksand that is home renovations.

Who does he bitch at? James. Who does he bitch at when James can't take it anymore? Me. Who loses it and completely erupts, Mount St. Helens style? Me. Who then whines, puts down every screaming banshee in existence, rants that he is going to commit suicide after killing everyone around him, just because no one in the world understands? Raj. And so on.

In all fairness, some stupid things have happened. The painter girl, formerly a good friend, walked off with two grand after not even nearly finishing the job. The main contractor started to experience "dizziness and nausea," and actually had to be admitted to the hospital, where he still is. Raj even had an aneurysm during this mess, and had to go to the hospital himself.

Anyone, anyone could see that this house is a mistake, that only folk with deep pockets could restore it to its former glory, almost stress-free. It is truly hard to give your friends advice when you know they are walking into disaster, because it is not your money and therefore, not your place. It is even harder not to sucker punch them when you know they are out of control.

At the same time, you can't help but admire the guy for taking on a project so vast, so nerve popping, so completely absurd, for the simplest of reasons: he has a vision to build.