Monday, April 30, 2007

At funerals, we say goodbye. We mourn, we cry and hopefully, get the closure we need to close that chapter of our lives forever.

I’ve mourned, lord knows I’ve cried, but I really need to say goodbye and close the door on that chapter of my life forever. More than I already have, that is. That is why I am burying Jess.

Should it matter that he’s not dead?

Last year I read a book called Her Story, a compilation of short stories by women authors. In Funeral for a Live Ex-Husband, author Ellen Sommers writes of the turmoil she experienced after her husband left her for another woman, sending years of marriage and their entire way of life down the drain. Her friends got tired of her endless bitching and suggested some closure, so they had a funeral. A funeral for a man very much alive, but ceremonial in that it gave her the sense of peace she needed.

I never forgot that story. I too need a sense of peace, because there’s something I haven’t yet done. We will always be bound to each other, Jess and I, until I get rid of the one thing that ties is together. And that one thing tying us together is my hate.

I hate the man. I can’t help it. I hate the fact that he was a part of my life. I hate him for finding me and using me and treating me as badly as he did. I’m not perfect, but I don’t think I deserved that. I hate the bullshit excuses, the drugged hazes and the promises of better tomorrows. I hate how it ended, how he was never even remotely apologetic, or even thought of re-compensating me, or that six plus years of my life were wasted on the biggest jerk in the universe. I hate it all.

To get rid of that hate, I have to forgive. But, it’s not Jess I intend to forgive.

Why the hell should I forgive him? He’s an asshole of the worst kind, who landed on my life with the sole intention of making his easier. If I really forgave him, that would make everything he did okay. If I truly forgave him, it would mean that I’d have to forget. And if I forgave him, then I may as well have never broken up with him in the first place.

Jess doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, but someone else does. Me.

If there’s one person in this world that I hate more than him, it’s me. I hate that I ever looked at him. I hate that I ever started anything with him, and I hate that I gave him so much of myself. I hate that I gave him so many chances, I hate all the picked up tabs, and I really hate the hundreds of times he yelled at me until I was reduced to a blithering mess.

I hate that I thought he ever loved me, because that isn’t what love is. I hate that most of all.

I’ve been hung up on this for a long time now, that I made this mistake. This huge, unbelievable mistake that’s cost me so much time, and so many years of my life. How could I have been so stupid? Me, the girl who never took shit, falling for the biggest shit disturber around.

I’ve been thinking about it and thinking about it so much that I know I’ll never move forward, with anything, until I let this all go. I have to let it all go.

And so, it’s to the burial ground with Jess. A makeshift one anyway, because I’m pretty sure a legit corpse is required for cemetery occupation. I could only imagine his face if he knew I was doing this; he’d yell, he’d scream, he’d call me a lunatic of the worst kind and maybe even flail holy water at me. He was superstitious, that jerk.

But none of that matters, because he’s not around. What matters now is me, and which steps I take from this day on.

It’s time to bury the past.

9 comments:

Airam said...

Good riddance to that asshole.

And here's to tomorrow. You are awesome and from this day forward don't even let the mere thought of him make you think otherwise.

The Tormented Girl said...

Don't hurt me for saying this but while you bury him (which I think is such a wonderful idea by the way), thank him for the time you spent together because if you hadn't been in a relationship with him you might never have known how a man should treat you and how you deserve to be treated. You know now that you won't ever settle for second best. In a way he's given you a gift of self worth that you may not have received in another relationship.

And ultimately if you had never met him and been in that trainwreck of a relationship you might never have wandered down the path that led to the goodness that is Sandy.

And then stomp on the dirt of his grave a little for some more satisfaction ;}

Laural Dawn said...

wow. that makes me sad to read. 6 years is a long time to feel you have wasted. But, serioulsy ... I hear where you're coming from.
Forgive yourself. You have to. we all make mistakes, and when they involve others it's hard to get past.
i'm glad it's over. i'm glad you're moving on. and i'm glad you know how you want to be treated.

Jhianna said...

*hugs* It's a big step to get rid of the hate. But it takes away his final way of hurting you. So congratulations and keep telling him (in your head, out loud, writing it, whatever it takes) that he doesn't matter to you any more.

At least that's what works for me.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could be an "emotional mortician" to all the hate I hold inside behind a similar situation in my life. Even though I've moved on and found an amazing relationship and discovery of self-worth; I secretly hold so much resentment towards a woman who must have been your ex's fraternal twin sister.

Reading your post was a splash of cold water on my face.

A funeral is definitely in order...

Mrs. Loquacious said...

It's good to make peace with the past, or "bury" it for good. That said, I don't think forgiving is the same as forgetting. I don't think that you can ever forget when someone has wronged you, but you can definitely come to peace with it and let yourself off the hook so that you can move on with your life, y'know?

And I hope that you will find the peace that you are looking for.

With Love, Fat Girl said...

Airam, thanks :) (add me to your messenger already!)

Tormented, I fully intend to do that. And then stomp a little extra hard on the grave :)

Laural, six years is way too long to waste, or at least feel you've wasted, and coming out of it I feel 200 years old. But you're right, we all do make mistakes. And then we talk to the friends who were good enough to track us down on facebook... thank you for that :)

Jhianna, different strokes for different folks, but you're right, what works is what works.

Fave, maybe you should be having your own funeral? Just a thought.

Mrs. L, as always, thank you :) My support system, everywhere, is strong. It's good knowing you're a part of it!

Anonymous said...

I COMPLETELY agree with tormented girl. (Cheers to you.) If it wasn't for that relationship with Jess, you wouldn't be where you are today - in a deserving, giving, nurturing relationship. With that said - no relationship is perfect either. There were many times that I said to you how not deserving of you he was, but it wasn't time for you to understand that at that time. That day was yet to come, and it did come. You knew when it was time to leave, and when it was over, you grieved, though not as much as you though you would because you had already been "grieving" for a long time. It wasn't 6 years wasted. Don't EVER look at anything that way. If you learned something from that time, than it was 6 years of learning .... what you didn't want and what you didn't want to be "stuck" with for the rest of your life. That's the one thing I still don't understand about that relationship with you and Jess .... who cares that it was 6 years "long". In the grand scheme of things, being your life, 6 years is not that long. Consider it a blessing in disguise. We've all made "mistakes" .... screw it! I look at them as learning curves. It made you stronger, and it made you what you are today. Besides, if it wasn't for that relationship, Blue may never have come into your life. :)

Airam said...

I don't know your IM!!!! E-mail me!