Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I have a lot of cousins. Scores. And, like all families, I am closer to some than to others.

My cousin Brandon has just announced his engagement. I've always liked Leather, his fiance. She's full of spunk, and a lot of fun to be around. Her short stature and small features are a total contrast to lengthy ole me, but we always manage to have a great time together.

I am very glad for Brandon. He is all of six weeks my senior, and has seen more ups and downs than many of us could manage. One of those downs was a divorce, a messy affair at best, and I hated seeing one of my closest friends always hurting.

But he's happy now, and there's every reason to be. There is a another person, a wedding; a new future. His beginnings are taking root.

I watched them sitting together last night, all smiles and hand holding. They are on the brink of something wonderful, and can't wait to start their new life together.

As for me, the late blooming, emotional tortoise sitting to their left, let me tell you that I've had better days. Because ever since my darling cousin let it leak that he's getting married, I've been nothing but questions, doubts and upset.

Is it possible, in any sense of the word, to not believe that once you've broken up with someone, you've just flushed years of your life away? I was 24 when I met Jess, and wish from the bottom of my heart that I'd learned my lesson at 25, not 30. And even after that, my still bigger wish is to have been strong enough, way back when, to let him go, instead of always playing L'il Miss Fixit.

What would I be like now if I'd never met him? Would I be a happier person, more open to all the experiences that love has to offer? Would I be engaged or married? Would I not have gotten depressed, and have an amazing job right now? Would I still be thin?

Would I not have so many questions? Would I not whine so much, because of course I know that everyone's had their hearts broken, anyway, and that what I have to say on the subject is really nothing new?

I hate myself for having made that mistake.

Facing life is one of the most difficult things in the world. But facing yourself is even harder.

And, as if all this wasn't enough, I was very nicely reminded this morning that in our family, there is only one unmarried generation X-er left.

Me.

No pressure.

7 comments:

Lance Morrison said...

Well, if I may use a cliche, everything happens for a reason. You're time with Jess was turmoil, but it helped form the person you are today.
I spent three years with Jamie, who was mentally and emotionally abusive. He cheated on me with at least 6 people. I hated myself for sticking it out so long, but I learned to forget the pain, by realizing that the experiance has helped me grow and learn how to love myself more than I ever did in those three years.
We need these experiances in our life. They are shitty as all hell, but they help us in the grand scheme of things.
-Lance
PS: Sounds like someone needs to watch "It's a Wonderful Life."

Mood Indigo said...

I wish I had more words to offer - but here's what I have. Just as you have these moments where you wonder "what if it all happened differently?" there will be moments when you are so damn thankful for the various experiences that led you to be exactly who, and where, you are today. I don't think it's possible for these moments to intersect - so just remember that the other one is out there. At some point, whatever you've done, experienced, lost, found will make sense for bringing to you to where you are at that moment.

Airam said...

When I read this, It's like I'm reading a chapter of my life. It's so damn scary how many parallels I see in your situation and in mind.

Airam said...

mind = mine

Thanks.

The Tormented Girl said...

Me three with the "everthing happens for a reason thing"

and as a wise girl once told me when I was ruminating about being the only singleton in the vacinity "you're single, you're fabulous - tell them to build a bridge and get over it".

yeah! so there! :P

With Love, Fat Girl said...

You guys are the greatest. It was a miserable little two day raincloud, but its rained itself out. Fuck it, single and fabulous has its privileges, that's for sure.

Emma in Canada said...

Had you broken up with Jess 5 years earlier, chances are you wouldn't be with Sandy today. Oh and you may never have started blogging so would not have come across some of your readers. And frankly, I've enjoyed reading you.