Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Earlier last week, on the phone...

Me: Hi sweetie, how are you?

Raj: Where have you been?! It's been ages! I miss you!

Me: I know! Can you believe it's been SO long since we've seen each other? I have no one to bitch with!

Raj: Pfft honey, don't even go there. Work is hell, the house is hell, life is hell, I could bitch until I died. But enough already, how are things with you, what's new?

Me: Well, I finished my course, you know about the car, and oh yeah, I'M GETTING MARRIED!

Raj: WHAT?

Me: Sandy popped the question a few days ago, isn't that so exciting? We're engaged!

Silence

Me: Raj?

More silence

Me: Raj? Hey, I'm totally joking.

Yet more silence

Me: Bunny do you honestly think I'd get married after such a short time? Where are you already? Talk!

Raj: If you get married before me, I'll kill myself.

Me: WHAT?

Raj: I'm serious!

Me: Do you think I'm so emotionally bereft that I can't bag a husband before you?

Raj: That has nothing to do with it!

Me: OH MY GOD! YOU DO THINK THAT!

Raj: Well what do you fucking expect! And I got engaged first, it's not fair!

Me: I am so not speaking to you ever again.

Raj: Don't be such a stupidhead! I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and I want to get married, you know! You can't get married before me!

Me: Well then maybe you shouldn't have bought a house that was sinking into the ground and had your dream Martha Stewart wedding first!

Raj: You're such a moron! You take things so seriously!

Me: When my friends think I'm a romantic failure, yes I do! Beeyatch!

Raj: Whatever! I don't understand the point of us speaking to each other if all we do is fight!

Me: I know, we're worse than a grouchy old husband and wife. Maybe we should end everything right now.

Raj: Yes we should.

Me: So are you still coming over for Christmas?

Raj: Of course darling, James and I are there. You know you're our family.

Me: Fabs, I'll tell the units. We'll talk more about it later.

Raj: Okay kookoo, have a nice night. Love you.

Me: Love you too.

Raj: Stupidhead.

Me: Beeyatch.

Raj: Whatever!