Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Okay, let us begin. I am a fat girl. How did I become a fat girl?

I ate myself into her. Trust me when I say that I don’t like admitting it and it’s nothing to be proud of, but it is what it is.

Fat is unoriginal. Unless genetics is seriously jonesing you, if you are fat the chances are you ate your way to being fat. WHY you have done so is the unique part.

So, why did I eat myself into being fat? Here’s the nickel version, and feel free to tune out. Let’s call it “surrounding tension.” I was around 11, 12 at the "beginning of the end," bad health but bookish and smart; not well liked in school for above reasons. Older, seemingly perfect sister, emotionally detached parents, some bad emotional experiences of my own, and an open access fridge to make it all go away.

Or in other words, all the crap we tell ourselves is the reason we are unhappy.

The ironic thing is that at the time I also went through a crazy growth spurt and therefore all the promise of a supermodel figure, but I let all that surrounding tension get in the way. It really sucks when you’re one of the more sensitive people that really has to white knuckle your way through life, no?

I became borderline obese, but luckily thinned out a bit as I got older. Then lost some and gained it back, lost some and gained it back, lost some and gained it back, lost a whole lot…. and after a couple years, gained most of it back.

What happened? Ah yes. My old nemesis, Surrounding Tension. Which brings me here.

I could say all the usual stuff; I hate it, I’m sick of it, I don’t to feel this way anymore, bla bla bla, but chances are it’s nothing you haven’t heard or read before. Even if it is true.

Hence the beginning of project General Repairs, or assignment “Hold Your Head Up High Again.” And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I can’t hold my head up high as a fat girl. It’s just that making my peace with her is something I have to do.

In retrospect, I’ll let someone far smarter and undeniably brilliant close off for today:

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.” Leonardo da Vinci