I took Home Ec (now known as Family Studies) in the ninth grade, majorly striking lucky by making a friend whose mother was a seamstress. I got a B+ on my sweatshirt and have managed to elude legitimately learning how to sew to this day.
One of the things we learned in that class was the HOAX theory. While this sounds for all the world that we were learning to be smooth talking con-artists, what HOAX really suggests is that there are four body types in this world, one for each letter.
The H people are more rectangular in structure; even fabulously thin H’s don’t have much waist to go on. Think Angelina Jolie.
The O’s are small at the extreme top and bottom, rounding out and being thickest in their middles. Nell Carter, RIP, was the perfect O.
The A’s are harder to find; smaller head and shoulders, more to them as you travel downwards. I have a cousin that’s the epitome of the A folk, but since you can’t see her, think Drew Carrey just because he has such a ridiculously small head, and Quentin Tarantino during the “Kill Bill” promo tour.
The X was the ideal hourglass shape of the 50’s: full shoulders, voluptuous rear and thighs, small waist. Or as we better know her, Marilyn Monroe.
If you’re dismayed that out of all the people in the world we’ve been narrowed down to a mere four types, I think that number can taken down even more, and sliced in half. If you look really carefully, there really are only two kinds of people in the world, the Frontals and the Sideways.
Frontal and Sideways work together. If your pounds go directly to your stomach and chest when you gain them, you are a Frontal. If you’re a hips and butt sufferer, you are a Sideways. When the Frontal weight gainers look at themselves in the mirror, their front view is best, whereas all the bad points come out when they stand sideways. Vice Versa for the Sideways gainer – look at yourself in the mirror, and the side view is much preferred to the front.
I am a Sideways. I have ample extras on my butt, while my chest will always be flat. My mother tells me the small chest part will change should I have children, but I’m not sure I believe her. My upper body is at least one dress size smaller than the rest of me, and I find straight leg pants even me out better than any other cut.
Going back to she who gave birth to me, mummy is a Frontal. Never had hips a day in her life, and big butt be damned. Chest and a little spare belly though, that’s her bane. But then because she’s had kids, and of course because she's my mom, she’s entitled.
Fat Fashion Tip #1: To detract attention from your behind, wear something colourful higher up. For instance, this morning I pulled out my brand new fall-not-quite-winter jacket. Three-quarter length for warmth’s sake, fitting beautifully on my shoulders and torso, but a bit of a squeeze down below. Nothing major, but until I get a wee smaller, it makes me a tad conscious. What a perfect time to pull out my raging plaid blue and orange German cashmere scarf, fringed not just on the ends but all around. Voila. No one’s going to notice my butt with that thing at my neck.
It’s only fair to offer a fashion tip to the Frontals, but since I’m not experienced in their department I can offer only one sound, somewhat biased bit of advice:
Fat Fashion Tip #2: If you have boobs, show them. Think of all us chest-less girls and make the most of that décolletage. March on, sister.
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