Wedding Countdown, Day 5

You are in charge of rehearsal dinner. Knowing you will shrivel and die if everything is left to the last minute, make two lasagnas.

One is meat and cheese, but you scoff at the idea of a four cheese lasagna. Anyone can make a four cheese lasagna, so make five cheese instead: ricotta, provolone, mozzarella, romano and parmesan. That'll show 'em.

Carry the lasagnas down to the freezer. Thanks to Mario Batali's high-tech, heavy cookware, quickly realize that each one weighs more than your dog. Your dog weighs 30lbs. Datsa some bigass lasagna.

Help your sister make place cards. Yay! You've *always* wanted to make place cards, just like you've *always* wanted herpes. Grin and bear it. This is your sister, after all, and part of your maid duties. Go blind peeling the backing off the sticky paper over 100 times.

Run out and purchase some breasts. Your dress is low cut, so you need those skin coloured suction things that hold your girls in place. Try your very best to ignore the salesgirl feeling you up to better determine your size. Try even harder not to laugh when you look at yourself in the mirror. It looks like psychotic, deranged chicken cutlets are trying to eat your boobs.

Remove breasts/deranged cutlets. Shriek when it feels like your nipples are being ripped off. Check to see if they are still there. Phew.

Go home and sit your pathetic self down to write a speech. Nothing comes to mind.

Fuck.