You know what you need to look great in a sexy bridesmaid gown? You need a tan. A tan makes you look healthy and full of life.
Go to the tanning salon near work. It is convenient, it is nice, and a the sexy Argentinian boxer who works the counter always gives you discounts.
Have a 12 minute nuke. Sunburn your ass. Fuck.
The heat radiating from your behind is enough to permanently screw you up at work. You trip on the extension cord, almost break your computer, fall off your chair and then, the piece de resistance, whack your head on the door so badly the entire class does a simultaneous "oooo!"
That hurts. Go to the bathroom and stare at the bruise in the middle of your forehead. You have a bruise in the middle of your forehead for your only sister's wedding. Fuck!
Go shopping. This isn't retail therapy, this is necessity shopping, a la spare makeup and, extras just in case the deranged chicken cutlets fail you. The extras are all those tape-on bra cup things that click to your chest like possessed jellyfish. Double fuck!
Last stop, shoes. You need backup just in case it rains, and your dyed glories pull a Wicked Witch of the West. Realize that not one pretty shoe in the entire mall will fit you, and you are reduced to the wastelands with the other shoe freaks: Tall Girl.
Well, they do have shoes that fit you. Not half bad ones, either. Get three pairs. They will tide you over until you find out where the drag queens shop.
On the way home, unload the Tall Girl bag just long enough to turn it inside out, and then put everything back inside again. Sure you have duck feet, but the whole world doesn't have to know.
Go home to your speech. Write a paragraph.
FUCK.
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