Memoirs of a Fat Girl

The nostalgia question I’d quickly answered on my own, but there was another nagging thought pulling at me.

My head gets in the way like that. My thoughts, that is. Sometimes I think and I think and I think so much that my head feels like it’s going to explode, in which case, I go to Voice of Reason #1.

It is a weekday afternoon, and Oli and I are in her car. Wedding errands for her, pressing matters for me. Sister opinion required.

“Hey sis?”

“Yeah, sis?”

“You know, I really hate when we call each other sis.”

“Yeah sis, that sucks. Let’s stop doing it.”

“Okay sis. I have to ask you something.”

“What is it, sis?”

I really have to appreciate my sister’s smartass-edness. But then, that’s why we have so much fun. “Am I jumping into something too soon? With Sandy, I mean.”

“Nope.”

Well, that was quick. “You sound very sure of yourself.”

“I am.”

“Eerily so.”

“Cause I am.”

“But how do you know?”

“I just do.”

“As if that tells me anything.”

“Of course it doesn’t.”

‘And you know I have to justify myself anyway, and explain this whole thing ‘til I’m blue in the face.”

She snorted. We both snort. Our parents must be so proud. “Go ahead.”

Deep breath. “Here’s the thing: everything with Sandy feels fantastic. Amazing. I couldn’t ask for better. I just don’t want to screw anything up because I’m so freshly broken up with Jess.”

Another snort. “Oh, please. You broke up with that asshole years ago.”

“What are you talking about? It was just a few weeks….”

“Look,” she cut off, “I want to tell you something. I wanted to tell you a long time ago, but you wouldn’t have listened. I’m going to tell you now.”

“Listening.”

“Do you know when you first broke up with Jess?”

“Yeah, that was last Febru…”

“It was two years ago.”

My turn to snort. “No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yes it was. Remember what you said to him, the main reason why you had to give up the apartment and go back to long distance again?

“Yeah,” I said a little bitterly, because I remembered my reasoning very well. “I said that among other things, I just can’t afford you any more.”

“Right. I knew you were done, but you just needed some more time to admit it to yourself.”

“But we stayed together.”

“Yeah, you did. How many times did you see each other after that, was it three times?”

“Yes…”

“And everything was super smooth and hunky dory? Even when you were apart?”

Ha. We fought more than ever. “Hell, no.”

“Did you keep fighting?”

“You know we did.”

“Did you cry?”

Not proud to admit this. Not one bit. “All the time.”

“You’ve spent months, years, mourning his loss. You just needed to admit it to yourself.”

This is why my sister is really up there on the voice of reason list. Leave it to me, though, to toss in another neurosis. “What if I’m not over him, and just don’t know it?”

“You’re over him.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause I do.”

“Yeah well, you’re stupid.”

“Yeah well, you’re an idiot. You know when I knew you were over him?”

My ears perked up. “When?”

“A couple of days after you gave him the boot, the very last time, do you remember what you said to me?”

Of course not. How on earth am I supposed to remember everything? I’m not an encyclopedia! “Remind me.”

“Well in the beginning, for years actually, you would tell me that Jess was a really nice guy with moments of jerk. After you told him off that last time, you said you’d finally realized that he was a big jerk with rare moments of nice. Do you remember now?”

Oh, yeah. “I did say that, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did. That’s when I knew you were finished with him, for good. And you know that, too. Do you miss him?”

“NO.”

“Are you sure?”

“Big time.”

“If he was a totally changed man and wanted you to take him back, would you?”

“Never.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve had enough. I’m done.”

“Exactly. So you did the right thing, then, ending it?”

Once again, this is why my sister is my top voice of reason. I smiled. “Yes. I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.”

Oli smiled right back. “Point made. That’ll be $500, please.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“Bite me.”

“You know sis, you’re pretty smart when you’re not busy bossing everyone around.”

“Thanks, sis.”

“Shithead.”

“Dumbass.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know.”