Memoirs of a Fat Girl

I’m a writer, not a speaker, so bear with me!

I was originally going to write a long and sappy speech, until my sister told me that if I made anyone cry, she would wring my neck.

No pressure. So, we’re going to try something a little different. Not many of you know this, but when I was in the seventh grade, I actually won a contest for a speech I wrote, entitled, “My older sister.”

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, so I decided to go with Version 2.0 of the same idea. I present to you, for your listening pleasure, the top ten stupidities committed by myself and Olivia, my sister, partner in crime, and the lovely, lovely young lady here before you.

Oli, if you want to hide in the bathroom for this, I’ll completely understand.

#10: I’m twelve, you’re seventeen, and we are sparring in our taekwon-do class. Unfortunately, we’ve brought our personal vendettas into class, and start fighting over something that had happened earlier. I mean, really fighting. I punch you in the stomach so hard it knocks the wind out of you, at the exact same moment that you punch me in the face, and dislocate my jaw. An assistant has to come and walk you around the room, helping you breathe, while the instructor is busy knocking my jaw back into place. When my mouth is properly working and you’re standing up straight again, our scary, black belt instructor is so mad he makes us both do two hundred pushups on our knuckles in front of the whole class. Don’t worry, we forgave each other, but to this day, my jaw still squeaks when it rains.

#9: I’m twenty-three, you’re twenty eight, it’s a lovely Saturday morning and we are in the medical lab for blood tests. The nurses don’t like us too much there, because we are known as “difficult patients.” They can never find my vein, and you’re a fainter. Sure enough, while I’m arguing with the technician over where to stick the damn needle, you see some blood, and go down like a ton of bricks. I have to spend the next hour with smelling salts and wet cloths trying to revive you, all while our mother is in the waiting room, shrieking, “Where on earth on my daughters? They’ve been in there forever!”

#8: I’m thirty, you’re thirty five, and we are on the prowl for a wedding dress. Just for kicks, we decide that you should try on a twelve thousand dollar gown that weighs forty-five pounds. The dress is so heavy that when you turn around, it completely throws you off balance, you go flying through the air, and fall face first onto the ground. Here comes the bride, indeed. You’ll all notice that the dress Olivia is wearing today is very airy and very light – she learned that lesson the hard way!

#7: This one started when I was five and you were ten. It’s December, Christmas is around the corner, and we are staring very wide-eyed at the glittering tree, and all the presents underneath it. Boy, do we ever want to open them. It eats away at us so much, that we give into the seductive temptation, and open all our gifts two weeks before Christmas! We are SO happy with our presents – for about ten seconds – and then the realization of just how much trouble we’re going to be in hits us like a blow. Our delinquent minds working in overtime, you grab the scissors and an exacto knife, I get the tape and a ruler. We study every crease, fold and mark, rewrap everything in its original paper, and restore each gift back into exactly what it looked like before our greedy little hands got to it. We did such a good job that mom and dad were none the wiser. And, it didn’t stop there. Every Christmas after that, well into our teen years, we’d wait until we had the house to ourselves, attack the presents, and then doctor them back into their original packaging. If you’ve ever received a gift or even mail from Olivia and have wondered why it’s taped to death and takes a half hour to open, this was where the neurosis began.

#6: I’ve never completely forgiven you for this one. I’m four, you’re nine, and you know that my hero is Wonder Woman. Every week I faithfully watch Diana Prince spin around, and with a flash of lightning, transform into the brave and beautiful superhero. You tell me that I too can be Wonder Woman, all I have to do is spin around just like her. But because I’m so much smaller, I have to faithfully spin for a very, very long time. While holding my breath. And I can’t stop, or I’ll never become Wonder Woman. I don’t remember how long I lasted, but I do remember mom yelling at me that I was going to get brain damage.

#5: I’m eleven, you’re sixteen, and you’ve just gotten your driver’s license. You promise to pick me up from school one day, but our dad’s friend is blocking the car. Instead of moving, he lets you take his to come and get me. This man is six foot six, and drives a gargantuan 1984 Lincoln Town Car. You can’t figure out how to pull the driver’s seat up and even worse, it’s really plushy. Until my dying day I’ll never forget you steering that boat into the school parking lot, and all I could see over the dashboard were your eyes.

#4: I’m twenty four, you’re twenty nine, and we have decided to take up snowboarding. It’s healthy, it’s fun, and it will impress boys. We get cute outfits, reserve lessons at Horseshoe Valley, and are all high hopes that in a few hours, we’ll be effortlessly breezing down the hills. We impressed the boys, alright. We spent more time plowing snow with our faces, then boarding on it. We impressed the boys so much, they couldn’t breathe from laughing. We kept impressing the boys all week long too, with the big, purple bruises on our necks.

#3: I’m twenty three, you’re twenty eight, it’s late at night and you’re out jogging. I’m on my rollerblades to keep you company, and while skating some distance away, I see a really big dog running down the street. As I skate closer, I notice that it’s not a dog at all, but a coyote. It’s huge, and it’s coming straight for us. I speed back to save you, and together we come up with the brilliant plan for you to jump on my back, while I roll us out of harm’s way. It’s hard to carry an Olivia on your back when you have rollerblades on, and we were both panicking so much that I kept falling. We only made it about half a block, but very luckily the coyote wasn’t hungry, and went down another street.

#2: I’m six, you’re eleven, and we are baking peanut butter rice krispie squares. We are doing this while our parents aren’t home, because we are not allowed to bake. Mom was sick of the messes we always made, and banned us from the kitchen. You’re measuring out the rice krispies and I’m spooning peanut butter into a glass measuring cup, when we hear the garage opening. Mom’s home early! This freaks us out so much you spill all the cereal onto the floor, and I spastically fling the measuring cup, shattering it into a million pieces. We know we’re going to be in big trouble and there’s not much time to clean up, so we start picking up the cereal, peanut butter and broken glass with our hands. When mom walks in the kitchen is spotless, and we are looking as innocent as possible. We are also holding our hands behind our backs, to hide the blood.

And #1 stupidest stupid: I am so not proud to admit this. I’m twenty nine, you’re thirty four, and we are eating rotisserie chicken at home. I have the thigh on my plate, and I notice a hole in the middle. Any idiot knows this is from the rotisserie sword, but not you and me. No, no. Together, we come up with the brilliant conclusion that this is a bullet hole, from where the chicken was shot to death. Not our finest hour.

Now, Oli made me swear I’d keep this speech to two or three minutes max, but I’m going to pretend that I’ve just won an Oscar because I have a little more to say. So if anyone wants to wave their stick at me to hurry up and finish, please go away because it’s not going to work.

For as long as I can remember, I always wanted a brother. Oli went above and beyond the call of sister duty when it came to beating up playground bullies, but I still wanted a brother anyway. There are no more playground bullies, at least I hope not, but at the ripe old age of 31 I finally have a brother.

Corey, today you have married my best friend. What makes this so great is that we all know you two are best friends with each other, and that is the strongest foundation any couple could ask for. Of course, it never hurts to have your own list of stupidities, because a life without laughter is no life at all.

You have your whole lives to create those moments, and we know they will be good ones. Enjoy each other, love each other, trust and talk to one another, and the rest will fall into place. If I always wanted a brother, our parents can finally come clean about always wanting a son. Or in their words:

Corey, ti si sada u nasoj familiji, dobro doso u nasu familiju. Otvorili smo nase ruke I nase srce. Mi smo sa tobom u dobru i zlu. Volimo te puno, i bolje ga sina nismo mogli naci.

Loosely translated, Corey, you are now our family, and we welcome you to it. Our arms and our hearts are open to you. We are with you through all the good, and all the bad. We love you very much, and couldn’t have asked for a better son.

And another message for the both of you, courtesy of mom and dad: Mnogo vas volimo obadvoje, zelimo vam sve najbolje u vasem zajednickom zivotu. Uvijek ste sa nama, i zelimo vam sve najbolje.

We love you both very much, and wish you all the best for a happy future together. You are with us always, no matter what. Congratulations.

Just one more thing and I promise I’m done. Oli, only you can appreciate the extent of feelings behind what I’m about to say. You’re the best sister in the world, dumbass! And Corey, there’s no one else I’d have picked to be my older, wiser brother. If I need anyone’s knees broken, I’ll give you a call!