Memoirs of a Fat Girl

To Be or Not to Be? That is the Question.

I e-mailed him. I shouldn't have. All of you advised me against it, in fact. So did "It's called a Breakup because it's Broken," but the freaky demon in me was doing the typing against my will. Alright, that didn't work... it was all me. It just got to a point where it felt like my head was constantly in a juicer with all the good parts being sucked out and... okay, no lame excuses. I just had to. Don't ask why.

Long story short, he's very sorry. I expected this. What I didn't expect was for him to want to make it better, want to do right by me, cry, tell me that he would work at gaining my trust back, day by day, for as long as it took, and even call my parents to apologize for his behaviour.

Curveball, baby. Big one. This was the Jess I'd started out with, and the Jess I thought was buried for good. In my mad dash away from him, it made me slow down. And it made me turn my head.

Berate me all you like, but let's make one thing very, very clear: I'm not his girlfriend, nor do I refer to myself as that. I don't know what he refers me to, and I'm not going to think about it. Jess is a big boy, and it's time I let what happens, happen. I have myself to worry about and there is plenty of work to be done.

One day at a time, that's our new motto. We talk. It's nice. I've even been difficult and pushed his buttons plenty of times just to see his reaction. Calm so far, which needless to say has shocked the fuck out of me. By all rationalities that should've turned him into Mr. Human Torch Hyde long ago.

Do I love him? Yes. Will I tell him that? No. Not for a very, very long time, if ever again, depending on how things go. I trusted him with my heart once, and he threw it away. He acknowledges this, and it's something I can appreciate. But it will be a long time before my heart comes out again for him, and he knows that.

Am I scared? Weirdly enough, no. I think I'll just let fate run its course on this one.