Memoirs of a Fat Girl

OPENING SCENE: ROAD TO NOWHERE. WHITE PT CRUISER HUMS ALONG, OCCUPANTS CRANKY

Me: "You've had this rental car forever, what gives?"

Raj: "We got used to having a car, darling, and it's nice to be able to drive everywhere. But it goes back next week."

Me: "So will this be the end of our adventures, as we know it?"

Raj: "My goodness honey, no, we're buying a car after we all get back from our trip, and the trip will be the biggest adventure of all!"

James: "We should discuss that, by the way."

Raj: "Okay so this is how it's going to work. I'm off to Egypt for my friend's wedding, and I'll be there for two weeks. Then I go to Jordan to spend some time with my family, and after a few days the two of you will arrive."

Me: "How exciting monkey, we get to travel together!"

James: "Yes, it's very exciting."

Me: "You don't sound excited."

Raj: "That's just the way he is, honey."

Me: "The best part of all is that we have an 11 hour stopover in Amsterdam! City of fashion, cheese, and stimulants! AND the travel agent even got us a hotel voucher for TWO free rooms to dump our luggage off while we enjoy the fashion, cheese and stimulants!"

James: "Two rooms? Rats, I wanted to share a room."

Me: "Whatever the hell for, darling?"

James: "For my first opportunity to see a naked woman."

Me: "Ha! You are not worthy to view the goddess."

James: "Come on, I'll show you my thing if you show me yours."

Me: "Sweetheart, you ain't got nothing I haven't seen before, bigger and better at that."

James: (to Raj) "Aren't you going to correct her?"

Raj: "I'm not getting involved in this, honey."

Me: "I figure that we'll have an amazing time and travel together well as long as you agree to do absolutely everything I tell you."

James: "Bitch."

Me: "Language! This will be my third time in Ams darling, keep it up and I'll desert you after the hash brownie kicks in. By the way, I thought we agreed that next time you would be driving?"

James: "LOOK OUT."

(car swerves)