Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Twas the night before Christmas and all through my room
Only one creature was stirring, my dog named Bluetooth

His eyes were twitching in REM sleep
In hopes Santa Paws would leave tasty treats

I was hoping to soon be snug in my bed
Von Furstenburg dresses dancing in my head

But alas I couldn’t yet do what I wanted
I had lousy bandwidth; it just teased and taunted

When from somewhere outside there came such a noise
I said, “What the hell,” promptly losing all poise

Bluetooth was startled and soon at my side
He’s not a huge dog, but not one to hide

I grabbed my Swiss knife and we crept up one floor
Up through the kitchen and out the back door,

When to our amazement what did we see there
But a gigantic raccoon with children to spare

Tearing at a bag of Ikea meatballs of Sweden
No more room in the fridge, they were outside to stay frozen

Bluetooth growled and pounced out in the snow
No way any coons would threaten his home

What could I do? Though I wore only slippers
I ran out into to the raging white blizzard

To save my dog’s neck from the big raccoon’s wrath
And desperately avoid a backyard bloodbath

So I screamed and I swore and I called him by name
”For fuck’s sakes Bluetooth get your crazy ass away

From that disgusting creature and all of her babies
All we need is for you to come down with rabies!”

Bluetooth paid no heed and snarled at his prey
She snarled in return, not backing away

I threw snowballs, made noises and tried to distract her
When out my mom ran screaming, “What on earth’s the matter?”

We had awoken my parents with our late night fight;
The whole neighborhood too, as they flicked on their lights

Mom took one look at the situation before her
Her daughter and grand-dog in battle royal

She dashed back in the house but came out with a quickness
An orange in hand and ready for business

Mom carefully aimed firing into the sky
That orange came down right between raccoon’s eyes

Raccoon took of running, both her and her pack
Up over the fence and didn’t look back

Bluetooth and I were impressed and in awe
That mom has a better arm than Bob Shaw

”Hey lady, you’re a hero, we could’ve been dead
Mom shot us a look and said, “Get back to bed

You woke up the street and gave us a shock
Do you think we still live in the Eastern Bloc?”

She went back inside, we delayed for a minute
To look in the trees and see our delinquents

Raccoon and her kids were all up there glaring
At us on the ground, at our win and our daring.

When my Bluetooth barked, his eyes shining black
I yelled, “Merry Christmas, and never come back!”

(But in case you’re wondering as you probably should
We left them the meatballs, to do them some good
Just a bit of help in the cold and the snow
And to spread that wonderful warm Christmas glow)