Memoirs of a Fat Girl

First, a meme. Then, we have some fun.

This one I graciously lifted from "A Day in the life of a Terrible Mother," only because she's got the best memes. Thanks Emma!

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? Dubya, we never knew ya.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be? Ciao, New Kids on the Block!

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? Ben Mulroney. Seeing him on TV makes me dry heave.

4. What is your favorite cheese? A nice, sharp Gorgonzola.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make? Nothing better than a fantastic veal parmiggiano sandwich, covered in roasted mushrooms, peppers, mozarella and tomato sauce. Defibrillator on a plate.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice? I'm playing the threesome card: Eric Bana and Christian Bale

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick? Toss up between Keith Urban & Gavin Rossdale. Nicole and Gwen, you're two lucky cats.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it? Ice cream and balloons for everyone in the park! Including my baby boy Blue.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? My dream country, Morocco.

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do? Go to the soukh, of course.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. Apple vermouth, I've just discovered it.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there? Either Ancient Rome or the Ottomans. Both empires had profound effects on my parents' homelands; I'd like to see what brought their countries to what it is today, and the mixture that resulted in my family.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Toupees not allowed.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise? Gay Survivor!

15. What is your favorite curse word? Oh, that's easy. Fuck.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do? Well, seeing as that's totally impossible, I also perform the impossible by opening a big ole can of WHOOP ASS and beat them back into their tombs just like in "The Mummy."

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item? My jewellery box. I have a lot of great vintage pieces.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour? Try to take the world's worst dictator with me.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be? I always loved Storm from the X-Men, so I'd either want to control the weather, or fly.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? Dancing with Sandy at the prom...

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count). Jess.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now? I'd live in Notting Hill, London.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are underage. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be? Les Trois Brasseurs, Montreal.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"? I'd go to Gabriel's house and be all, "I'm the ghost of the girl you played jooooookes on.... Woooooo....."

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life? Queen Hatshepsut. I had an Egyptian thing in high school.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? The one grandfather I never met, just to say hello.

27. What's your theme song? According to the meme I did earlier this week, Gabba Gabba Hey by The Ramones. And, that suits me just fine.

Now, we have a bit of fun.

What's your stripper name? According to the old adage, you combine your first pet's name with the name of the first street you lived on. Unfortunately for me, Jane Royal York sounds more like a jilted 16th century woman biding her time before being sent to the chopping block.

Oli's is fantastic, though. Fishy Coxwell. Wow sis, bet you never thought I'd mention that!!

Thanks to the wonders of the internet and people who have way too much time on their hands, there is another way.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p= Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = hooter
b = horn
c =tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juicee

Are you ready for it?

I am Raquelle Leatherfire.

What's yours?