Memoirs of a Fat Girl

The scene: Sandy’s house. I’m ironing a blouse I want to wear when we go out later; he’s at the store getting groceries. After awhile I hear the key in the lock; door opens and there he is, bags in hands and wearing a nice smile.

Sandy makes his way over and says, “Hi cheech. You doing good?”

“Always.”

He gave me a kiss and right then, something really whack happened. For that moment, that split second, something completely new washed over me, a feeling I’ve never had before.

Wife.

Hoo boy.

Naturally, this gave me an instant headache, and I teetered a bit. Sandy noticed. He bloody notices everything. “You okay cheech?”

“Yes.” Not really.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes…” I’m positive I’ll be fine once I finish having this stroke.

Once, a long time ago, I almost had a fiancé. Not once did I ever have a feeling like this.

Another time, not so long ago, I lived with someone. Not once in three years of sharing an address with that man did I ever get a feeling like this.

After assuring Sandy one more time that I was fine, I meandered over to the stairs and sat down for a bit. After my breathing and vision had returned to normal, I shared a good few minutes with my thoughts.

Quick consult with Catholic Right and Orthodox Left:

CR: Sweetie, this is wonderful! You're finally feeling true love, and all the great things that can come with it!

Sonofabitch. Time for Orthodox Left to snap me back to my ever-insane self:

OL: Nope. She's right.

Again: hoo boy.

Boyfriends, love, commitment, and the dreaded M word. You know, I honestly never thought I would come to a place like this. Even when I was with Jess, I never really thought we’d get to that next step. Even when I wasn’t alone, I got used to flying solo.

Sandy was in the kitchen, whistling to the radio and getting ready to barbecue some steak for lunch. His way of doing things, his way of going about life, makes me feel good. He always makes me feel good.

So maybe then, that thought, that feeling, isn't such a bad thing.

When my stroke eased off, I walked into the kitchen and interrupted his marinading to give him a huge hug. "Know what, Ace?"

"What, Cheech?"

"You're great!"

And with that million dollar smile, he replied just like I knew he would: "I know!"

I'm not ready for that M word yet, but maybe being on the beginning of its path doesn't have to be all that terrible. In fact, I think it will be very nice.

I do think I'm ready for something else though, and really, it's happening whether I like it or not.

Kids, I'm growing up.