Memoirs of a Fat Girl

The Quest for Peace, Love and a 24” Waist, Exercise #1: Writing your Story

Apparently it is mucho importante to answer certain questions about one’s self in order to discover why there are body image issues to begin with. We’re getting to the root of the problem, remember, and in order to do so, we must start from the very beginning.

Again, these questions are reprinted without permission, but I hope that if Deborah Low ever gets around to reading this, she’ll understand.

And now, let us delve into the past and therefore, the ugly truth.

When did you first begin to have issues with food?

Early teens. Eating just made me feel better sometimes. Most times actually, which is probably why I’m doing this test to begin with.

When did you first begin to gain weight?

When it really started to pack on I was 17, 18.

What was going on in your life?

A million things. Nothing. I was flunking physics, I had overly strict parents, a gorgeous sister who seemed to have it all. There was all that pressure to get into a good university, and my heart was broken. I thought I’d lost my soul mate.

How did you feel about yourself?

How do you think I felt? Awful, miserable, like shit. Less than human.

Are there any patterns in your story?

As a whole? Of course. Every time the going got tough, I made it better with food. I’d say that’s a pattern.

What weight loss methods have you tried?

Good lord, everything. Behold my shame: Calorie counting, the cabbage soup diet, the Scarsdale diet, performance drugs, a gym membership, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Slimfast, a personal trainer, body cleansesJenny Craig, starvation, diuretics, vomiting, Herbal Magic, the Dr. Stern Diet…there may be one or two more I’ve forgotten.

How did these different techniques make you feel?

The gym memberships and personal trainer made me feel great. The others, great in the beginning. I would get high off the initial loss of the first few weeks and then… crash and burn.

What have you learned?

That none of these methods work, or I don’t work for the methods? That the diet industry is geared towards failure? That I’m weak and not working hard enough towards what I really want? That I’ve wasted a lot of time, energy, and money? All of the above?

Where are you today?

At work, ready to start in 10 minutes, in the dreaded valley of in-between. Meaning, I’m marginally comfortable with myself physically, but not yet where I want to be.

Why do you want to lose weight?

To be healthier. To be happier. To look good in a bathing suit. Hell, to be able to actually wear a bathing suit. To not have to think about stupid things like the most flattering way to sit, or turning away from mirrors. To silence these stupid voices in my head, once and for all. To be a peace with myself.

Are you willing to challenge yourself and work at your goal?

Yes, but I’m scared. I don’t want to fail anymore.