Memoirs of a Fat Girl

I loved being thin.

I was 24 years old and not even two months into journalism school when the weight started to go. I’d been sick of myself for a long time by then and started the Dr. Stern Diet, a miraculous regime that advertised weight loss at five pounds per week.

Being constantly busy with school, sharing my first city apartment with Oli and being in the throes of newfound love boded well for my waistline. I didn’t have time for food, or at least I didn’t make the time like I used to. I started that diet a size 16; three months later I was a size 6.

The whole thing had happened so quickly, it took me time to get used to. I’d never been so small before. Everything felt lighter and men, lots of men, were taking notice. I was becoming braver, letting my hair down and dressing more stylishly. Slouchy pants and baggy sweaters gave way to low rise jeans and fitted tops, and I took shopping more seriously in general.

I loved the simplicity of it all. Things became so easy. I didn’t have to limit which stores I shopped at, because most everything fit and looked good on me now. I didn’t have to critique my appearance with the supreme efficiency of days past, contemplating if every single inch of clothing fell exactly as it should. I wanted to go to clubs, I wanted to be more physical, I wanted to dress sexier. And if a friend would nudge me to say that some guy was checking me out, I’d flash my pearly whites and believe them. Not, Oh please. There’s no way anyone would ever look at me.

I won’t say I didn’t love that attention, either. My, invisible girl, finally garnering some appreciation from the opposite sex. How you look, or how you think you look, drastically affects your appearance and how others react to you. If you’re miserable or down on yourself, everyone notices the black rain cloud over your head. If you’re happy and full of life, everyone notices your radiance. People want to be around you.

I knew I was looking marvelous, and that gave me all the confidence in the world.

Now, when I look back on that time, I realize just how lucky I really was. I had everything I wanted, you see, and I was exactly where I wanted to be. I was in graduate school, I lived in the city, I had a boyfriend who adored me and I was thin, THIN. I wanted to scream from the rooftops.

Then again, after experiencing all of that and being where I am now, there are other things I realize now too. There are lessons to be learned before I go down that path again, because as wonderful as it is to be thin, it isn’t the key to a charmed life.

In fact, a whole new set of problems come with it.