Memoirs of a Fat Girl

OPENING SCENE: BLACK HONDA CIVIC APPROACHING THE ONRAMP OF HIGHWAY 403. OCCUPANTS TENSE.

Milosz: Okay, today vee vill drive on da highway. Merge vit kawshun, den akselarate. Dat's it.

Me: Well, that was easy.

Milosz: Very, very goot. Now, vun very important ting for you to remember is dat sverink, yellink, gettink all krazy and givink fingers etcetera, is really not vort it. You should alvays remember to keep your head, and...

Me: Move, bastard!

Milosz: No rage please, no rage. Is not vort it.

Me: But he's going way under the speed limit! What the hell is this!

Milosz: Vee do not tailgate udder drivers, please.

Me: Pfft.

Milosz: Smoodly, smoodly is da teeket.

Me: (under my breath) I'm still right.

Milosz: I heard dat. Enuff highway drive today. Please take next exit.

Car swerves maniacally on the off ramp. Mario Andretti would be proud.

Milosz: You very goot driver, but vill vun day ent up in deetch.

Me: Okay, okay. I'll slow down already.