Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Life is full of precious moments. Kodak tells us that all the time. Every now and then though, there comes along a moment that might as well have popped straight out of a film.

My moment did start with a film: Lady in the Water. I won't give any of the details away, but there's this one little memorable snippet: there is supposed to be one character in the movie who is so full of hope, that they are surrounded by butterflies. While you're sure that it's this one specific person, in the end it turns out to be someone else completely. It also happens to be the person that you least expect, because such terrible things have already happened to them.

Why be full of hope when all it seems your life is full of is bad luck? How do you get the courage to go on when you've experienced something immeasurably bad?

I guess it can just sneak up on you sometimes.

A little while ago I was making some lunch before taking Blue out to the back for some frisbee time, when I turned around and noticed mom staring at me. My mom isn't a starer, so when it happens it's always loaded.

"Everything okay, lady?" I call her lady a lot. Blame Mindy & Buttons from Animaniacs.

Moms took me completely by surprise when right then, she made her way over and engulfed me in a bear hug. "I'm so glad you broke up with Jess," she said. "You're happy again."

I'd barely had time to process any of that when she suddenly released me, then rushed out of the kitchen. As I watched my mother leave the room, I saw her wipe a tear away.

Was I happy again? I hadn't thought about it. When Jess and I went back to our long distance relationship, he to his home and me to mine, I felt awful. When we broke up a few months ago, I felt worse.

When I hung up on him a few weeks ago, I felt clear. I had my few days to mourn but stopped quickly after. We were oil and water, he and I. You can mix them up in a jar, but eventually, they always separate. It's because they're not meant to be together.

I'd been so busy being afraid of how things would affect me, I hadn't stopped to think that maybe it could all be better.

Where was I now, then, in this grand scheme of life? I looked around. The sky was clear, the grass was green, it was as perfect an early August day as you could ever hope for. I had a bowl of summer fruit in front of me, and my beloved dog was at my feet, begging for more strawberries. I smiled and flicked him a small one, which he gulped down without chewing.

Yes. I'm very, very happy. Everything now is as it should be.

Months ago, I wrote that one of my goals was to achieve romantic and emotional balance, if there is such a thing. I don't know if I've achieved it, but I feel that much closer to it. I feel at peace.

I took Blue outside for his play time. Within minutes, the air was thick with butterflies.