Memoirs of a Fat Girl

So you want to decorate. So you’re a cheapass. Join the club. I’m one of the unfortunate many who likes the finer things in life, but detests paying for them. That said, it pays to have a few tricks up your sleeve to make the implausible, possible.

Here’s my personal dozen, in no particular order:

1) Gay Friends. Artistically inclined gay friends, or the severely fashion nitpicky, are even better. When in doubt over which colour or settee, gather your divas and mull on it over espresso.

2) School Thyself. The Home and Garden Network isn’t just there for your health, you know. Decorating isn’t boring and textbook like it used to be, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of different ways to do things. Stick to a few shows or designers whose style you like, and watch an episode every now and then. Picking up a magazine or two never hurt, either. Take down the addresses of interesting boutiques or instructional sites, and educate yourself on the finer points of décor.

3) Good Maintenance. The cheapest, most incredible way to spruce your place up and give it that extra little something, is to really take care of your wood furniture. Don’t believe me? Go out right now, buy orange oil wood polish, and spend an hour or so greasing down your pieces. The rich shine is something remarkable, especially on dark furniture that picks up fingerprints all too easily. I’m telling you, that old piece of junk inherited from your older sister’s dorm room comes to life, and what once cost 20 bucks looks priceless.

4) Paint. Never underestimate a good coat of the stuff. It’s a quick, cheap way for a new look, and the most effective. Plenty of arguments can be made for white, and I do agree with some of them, but then I was never one to begrudge a wall of deepest red, either. Benjamin Moore says that every room has a perfect colour, and to find it. I say, every room has at least 10 great colours, and they’re not that hard to spot. Stock up on colour wheels and swatch books.

5) Wallpaper. It was greatly in vogue once upon a time, then suffered a bad rap. So did a lot of things in the eighties. But the resurgence of wallpaper is on the rise, and your creativity levels with it. There are some gorgeous patterns out there, not to mention great old patterns made new. Wallpaper is easy, cost efficient in a lot of cases, and totally fabulous. Just remember not to overdo it: often, an accent wall is the most striking.

6) Candles, Candles, Candles. A lot of people will say candles are passé, and they are if you go completely wax bonkers. But, done properly, they’re striking. A beautiful pillar arrangement is a simple, beautiful centerpiece on a dinner table, and candles in the bathroom gives that spa-calming effect. But if you intend on burning them, be careful with the scents you choose. I usually go for unscented candles, just to avoid mixing all the smells together. Not nice.

7) Eagle Eye, young paduwan, Eagle Eye. Shop around. Know the great shops in your neighbourhood, and all the greater ones in surrounding neighbourhoods. Also, it’s not where you shop, but when you shop. If there’s something you really love and really want but can’t afford it, don't just settle for something else: Stick around for the price drop. January and July have the best sales, and signing up for mailing lists is a step up. Also, take advantage of store credit cards, but only when they have those incredible offers like the, "no interest for a whole year" poo poo. And never, ever forget about outlet sales.

8) Think Vintage. Flea markets and antique sales are great places to find hidden treasures, and they’re easy on the wallet. That beat up old chair frame really just needs some TLC; sanding, staining & painting is easy enough for anyone, and a good upholsterer can make the ordinary, extraordinary. Just make sure to shop around for a good one.

9) Bargain Art. How many times have you heard me say that by now? Think about it this way: there are a lot more obscure, unheard of artists, than famous expensive ones. Go to arts shows, go to crafts shows, scout gallery openings and exhibitions. Go to an art school and see what the students can do. You don’t even have to frame a great painting either; just get the canvas stretched for a fraction of the cost and hang it that way. Wonderfully urban, minimalist, and doesn’t distract from the art itself.

10) Frames. There are times when frames are great though, and lots of them on a wall or assembled on a surface are a wonderful way to tell a story. Frames are sold for thousands of dollars, and frames are sold for a couple of bucks; variety of frames is virtually endless. Invest in a mat cutter for the customized look, and don’t forget to be creative, either. I’ve framed antique handkerchiefs, vintage stamps, and greeting cards. One of the pictures I get the most compliments of is an ad for a White Star Line ship, circa 1910. I printed that picture from the internet, on photo paper.

11) Ikea. Go on, laugh. Done? Good, shut up and read. If you can put up with the bullshit of hauling and assembling yourself, Ikea is a goldmine of finds designed to suit every pocket and every need. Be warned, though: it is very, very easy to be caught in the Swedish trap. While I do think Ikea is fabulous, I would personally die if I had to wake up every morning to what looked like their second floor, and not mine. Thus, use their looks to accent yours, and not the other way around. I didn’t even think of buying my coffee table or bed at Ikea. Then again, I’m not even thinking of getting my bookshelves anywhere else.

12) Finally, It’s the Little Things that Count. Your personal touches are what make your home yours, after all. Your memories, your finds, the little treasures that mean nothing to anyone but you, are what dazzle. I’ve been collecting interesting tins for years, and it turns out they look marvelous in my kitchen. The empty Pastis bottle I found in Paris, the ancient camera I got in Prague, and the even more ancient typewriter I got at a garage sale will all be displayed somewhere. So will the vintage volleyball I picked up in London, and the little statue from Amman. My big, lumbering sofa is awesome and all, but it’s these little things that are me all over. After all, I want to comfortable with my home, and I want my home to be comfortable with me. It’s these little things that get places of honour.