Memoirs of a Fat Girl

If there’s only one question in the world more grating than the infamous, “When are you getting married?” it’s definitely, “Why aren’t you married?”

Pfft.

When you’re a single girl, everyone wants you to have a boyfriend. When you have a boyfriend, everyone wants you to have a fiancée. When you have a fiancée, everyone wants you to have a husband. When you don’t have kids everyone wants you to have a baby, then a brother or sister for the baby, then a house for the children to grow up in with fancy hotshot cars in the driveway and savings bonds in the bank.

I currently live in Box B, which is Yes Boyfriend, No Fiancee. As you’ll notice, that’s just the second rung on a very tall ladder. While my immediate family is fantastic enough to never bother me, knowing full well I’ll come to them with wedding news when the time is right, it’s the greater count of extended biology, also known as Annoying Ass Relatives Really Only Seen During Special Occasions and Reunion Picnics, who have become unbearable.

They can’t help themselves, really, it’s just a part of their busybody code. Unfortunately for me though, these vultures have descended with a fury. You see, of all the close cousins I have, I’m the only who isn’t married, or engaged to me married. Uh huh, that’s right. Moi.

Worse yet, I don’t have any immediate plans to get married, thus making my lifestyle a bacteria slide underneath the microscope of scrutiny. It’s been a cesspool of scandal so far, resulting in what you see today as the 32-year old She with a really well moisturized, ringless ring-finger hand, with nicely bitten down nails.

Not having a ring on my fourth left is one thing, but I wonder what everyone would think if they knew that I don’t like wearing rings?

Anyway, the point of all this is that you can imagine and perhaps even understand that two of the questions I’m most frequented with, ever, happen to be, “”When are you getting married?”, and “Why aren’t you married?” And you can imagine, perhaps even understand that after years of hearing this, answering oh-so-politely and being very accommodating in general, it’s all become quite irritating.

All that said, I don’t think it would surprise you to learn that I’ve begun to deal with this in a more creative fashion.

One must always distinguish between, “When are you getting married?” and, “Why aren’t you married?” There’s a huge difference. Relatives who ask when I’m getting married often mean well, at least in the beginning, and so I humour them accordingly. In the beginning, that is. Should they persist and let the inner harpies through, it’s time to get even.

Definitely the most effective reply to this question ever, was “Very soon, if the result is positive!” followed by a wide smile and belly pat. Oh, how mouths dropped. This one spreads like wildfire, but also takes no prisoners. If you have parents that actually give a shit about standing within their social circle and you don’t want to take a First Response test in front of your mother, don’t toy with this one too much.

The more standard smartass answers were, whispered loudly, “The very minute he’s cleared of all charges. Really, it’s just a technicality!” and, “Right after the family give their blessing. It should come any day now.” Associating one’s would-be fiancée with crime is always a dangerous game, but at the very least, shuts people up for a little while.

I had the most fun telling one aunt, “Shh! He still hasn’t willed everything to me! But I’m this close!” knowing full well she’d get a good laugh out of it. And seemingly the most innocent retort, but really the most cutting, went to one bitter, distant relation with a penchant for gossip bigger than the hairy mole on her upper lip: “Oh, as soon as possible! I just can’t wait to be as happy as you!”

Slightly damning, yes, but some noses just need to be pinched. And finally, the one that I would absolutely love to use but haven’t yet dared: “After the herpes clear up.”

Moving along: “Why aren’t you married?” is a lot more fun to deal with. You see, when someone asks the question that way, it’s a lot more insulting than, “When are you getting married?” Asking When insinuates that one day you’ll be walking the aisle. Asking Why You’re Not pokes the theory that no one has popped the question because something is wrong with you.

That may seem extreme, but you’ve never met my family.

The most fun answer to use in this case, hands down, is, “Because there’s just too much of me to go around!” This one can be taken two ways: sheer cheek, or pure trampy. Stick-in-the-mud relations usually choose the trampy route, but then I find that those kinds of people are usually jealous of trampy, whether they’ll admit it or not, and whether you are or not.

The silver medal goes to, “There’s no point, I’ve already gotten the milk for free.” The mouth-drop factor on this one alone is quite shocking and shoves point-blank in their faces that you are, indeed, having SEX. Sex is quite the dirty word/act/notion in the immigrant household.

And finally, the grande nacho supreme answer to end this argument forever, in fact, the answer that will not only shut up your pokey relative but pretty much ensure you’ll never see them again:

“Why aren’t you married?”

“Why aren’t you thin?”

Maybe one day, I’ll actually have the nerve to use it.