Memoirs of a Fat Girl

Skeeny or Not Skeeny, I have my own opinions of myself.

It’s been a couple of weeks since Sandy and I returned from Vegas and my life is, predictably, exactly where I left it.

Same job. Same weight. No book to speak of. Loft half done.

I know I can’t expect my life to 180 in a few lousy days, but still. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get a grip on this? Why is it so hard to do?

Something like getting a job doesn’t happen overnight; neither does writing a book, or decorating your home. The money alone for that last one is what takes the most time.

But starting a newer, healthier way of living, something that will only make me ecstatically happy, is something that can be started right away.

Why do I keep putting this off?

It’s easier to put off, that’s for certain. It’s easier to just keep living the way that I am, getting that morning coffee and visiting the Bagel Shack for lunch. But in doing that, all I’m really succeeding at is plodding through my day-to-day. I’m not putting up a fight, or even giving it my best effort. I’m not leaving blood on the ice.

I know I still want it. I’m still whining, right? I want to lose weight, I want to lose weight, I want to lose weight… You’d think that after I’ve gone this long, compared the good to the bad, typed my story until my fingers blistered (well, not literally), and knowing what it’s like to be fat vs. what it’s like to be thin, would have thrown me on the path long ago. In fact, I should have been in a frenzy to start.

Why, why, why? Because because because. Because I’m lazy. Because I’m a dumbass. I’m a 31 year old dumbass who still won’t shove through her thick skull that WANTING is not enough. It’s DOING that makes the difference.

So here I am again, wanting to be different. And here I am again, proposing to make changes. But I want to be a little different with it this time. Every diet I ever started, every “new plan” that never worked, I started with cutting things out.

Could I perhaps just smarten up a little and still get to where I have to go, without being a total dietary fascist? If I took things slowly and surely, as opposed to burning out after starting too quickly, I might just win the race.

I guess I’ll never know until I try. So, it’s time to start being a little more good. To start, I’ll eat healthier for a total of one week, just to see where it gets me. Up on the vegetables, down with the Bagel Shack. For now.

And, no sugar for that one week. I know the spirit of this isn’t to cut things out, but I do want sugar cleaned out of my system, for the most part.

After tomorrow, anyway. James is teaching me how to make crème brule.