Day 3: Oh Monorail, Oh Monorail

This day begins much like the one before it: my eyes pop open at exactly 7:30am.

What’s wrong with me? I’m on vacation, I’m exhausted from all the sightseeing, and my feet are killing me. Why can’t I sleep?

I toss, I turn, I unintentionally wake Sandy up. I know he has every right to shoot me by now, but being the wonderful boy that he is, I get lots of cuddles and love instead. We waste a couple of hours away on each other, The Greg Behrendt Show, and high thread count sheets.

When we do make it downstairs to Le Notre for coffee, we learn the secret that will spare our stomachs and wallets for the rest of our stay: Sharing. American servings can be pretty horrendous, especially in a place like Vegas, and the cost is extra to boot. Six bucks for a 750ml latte? Lotta bucks for a lotta coffee, so we get one and pass it back and forth.

It’s a little more romantic, too.

We stumble upon a long lineup at one of the Paris restaurants, crepes for $6.95 a pop, and since it’s one of the more reasonable prices we’ve seen so far, decide to stay. Sandy decides on the cheddar and ham, while I go for the prosciutto mozzarella and basil. Both are covered with béchamel sauce, as humourously noted by the corpulent couple behind us in line:

Big Daddy: “Honey, what’s betch-a-mel saws?

Big Momma: “Oh sugar, it’s a white saws. You like it, A’ve made it at home. From a package.”

Breakfast done, we head back to the Monorail/Walkarail, which I'm really starting to hate by now. Sure it takes you places, but only behind the buildings, and once you get to the station you're stuck walking an extra three miles anyway, to get to where you have to go. What's the point?

We start with the MGM Grand, currently the biggest hotel in the world at over 5,000 rooms, a sprawling green behemoth with a Hollywood theme. Perched in front is a gigantic bronze lion statue, representing the MGM growler we’ve all seen so often.

In fact, the MGM is home to 36 growlers, real lions, presented two at a time in a $9 million enclosure, strategically placed in the dead centre of the casino. You know you’re in Vegas when you pull a slot machine handle, and not ten feet away Aslan is staring you down.

One of the trainers was out talking to the crowd, telling us that these two particular lions were brothers, and he’d hold them one in each arm when they were cubs. He really loved those animals. When the crowd had thinned out a bit, I approached him and said, “You must really love your job.”

He looked at me, smiling, and said something I’ll never forget: “I get to kiss a lion on the nose.”

One day, I hope to be so happy with whatever it is that I’m doing.

Our next stop is back to the Mono/Walkarail, where it takes us to the experience of Mandalay Bay. (Ever notice how Vegas is the only holiday where touring hotels is not just acceptable, but expected?) Mandalay’s theme is Malaysian tropics, a world of golden opulence that has, like all the other hotels around here, a gigantic casino and plenty of shops.

I finally get a little retail luck, too, jeans for Oli and Fur Butter for Blue. It’s a thick, creamy doggie conditioner that will apparently transform my baby into a living Gund.

Mandalay has a walkway to the Luxor next door, but before we take that path I realize that Sandy and I have been in Vegas for almost two days now, and haven’t done any gambling. The horror! We pick out a couple of slot machines, feed in some cash, and start pulling the handles.

I have a theory about slot machines: it’s almost impossible to win anything significant. Either it gives you a little something right away, just to tease you into hollowing out your pockets, or it eventually coughs up after you spend your life savings. If you keep feeding the same machine for three days it has to produce, right?

Then again, there’s always luck of the draw. Dad once put a nickel into a slot machine at that Bahamas, and won $3,000 on his first spin.

In short, if the machine gives you anything, take it and run. After four pulls my machine gave me a nice little bonus of $42.75, and while that may seem measly to some, I had no problems pressing the CASH OUT button. It was a free lunch for the two of us.

On to the Luxor, the strip’s gigantic black glass pyramid with its spotlight pointing straight up to the sky. If you can’t guess what the theme of this hotel is, think pharaohs, sphinxes, and flying rugs. In fact, you can even have a video made where it looks like you’re riding a flying rug. After not quite so careful consideration, I decided it wasn’t worth parting with even a penny of my $42.75.

I have to admit that being in the Luxor is quite spectacular, after all, you're inside a pyramid. But my favourite part about it is that if you look at the grounds at a certain angle, it just almost feels like you’re at the Dead Sea. Almost.

We’ve had enough of hotel hopping for the time being and seek out the M&M store next, to watch hordes of people lose their minds for bulk candy in various colours. The Coca Cola store is next door, but we’re distracted by something else right before walking in: a vendor selling half-price tickets to the famous Vegas shows.

And that is how we scored cheapie seats to see Howie Mandel.