Day 3 1/2: Oh Happy Day

I’ve never had a burning desire to see Howie Mandel, after all, I see more than enough of him weekly on Deal or No Deal. My parents are nuts for that show.

I don’t even have any particular attachment to Howie Mandel, except maybe that when he had hair it was curly in the same way mine is, and we graduated from the same university.

But then if you’ve ever seen that forgettable 80’s hair flick, Walk like a Man, the treadmill scene alone might persuade you to buy Howie tickets. The premise of the film was that he was raised by wolves then taken back to civilization as an adult, and though I don’t remember a whole lot about the rest of the movie, the bit where he’s walking on the treadmill, the first time he’s walked upright in years, had me in stitches. Picture a great big dog being trained to walk on his hind legs; Howie had it down perfect.

We got our tickets, but there were still a few hours between then and the show. Sandy and I were getting hungry and, after thinking about it, decided that time was right for our first Las Vegas buffet.

One of the other things Vegas is famous for, besides gambling and showgirls, is food. The Vegas buffet is stuff of legend, and goes along with the city’s unofficial logo: More Everything.

I avoid buffets after a particularly bad experience in my early 20’s. Think ultra cheap Chinese food, and eating everything you can, just because you can. When you pay $9.99 to eat your head off, you make sure you’re stuffed to the gills because you want to get your money’s worth.

After copious amounts of tired chow mein I went home, crazy sick, and swore off buffets for the most part. I’ve only been to a handful since, and that afternoon I was about to go to another. We were closest to the MGM and so went back to the Grand Buffet, as it’s called, and paid the $24.95 per person dinner fee.

Cheap buffets, my ass.

There’s another reason I don’t like to go to buffets, and that’s because of what I think they represent. Ours is a society of excess. There are people who survive on scraps a day, if even that much, and here we are on an island of food, stuffing ourselves beyond capacity.

Food can be a sickness, too. In many ways.

But that was our choice for the day, and we took it. It was a nice buffet, with all the typical stations, and like good responsible adults, Sandy and I made sure that we ate plenty of vegetables, and didn’t act like gluttonous zombies.

We had a couple of hours to kill before the show, so we jetted back to the Paris for some un-walking time. It’s good to just relax every now and then, too. We freshened up, something that of course took me longer than Sandy, and then jumped back into a cab to yet again go back to the MGM.

Our African American cab driver spoke Japanese, and peppered me with all kinds of questions I didn’t understand. I answered back as best I could with the few Japanese smatterings I knew: Maguro, Hamachi, Tamago, Enoki. In case that doesn’t look familiar, it’s from the sushi menu.

Out of morbid curiosity I also asked the cab driver, “Why do the Vegas wedding chapels look like funeral parlors?”

He replied back, laughing, “I don’t know! I mean you’re getting married, not buried!”

That made us laugh in return, the first laugh in a night that was to be full of laughter. I love to laugh and do a lot of it, but there have been very few times that I can remember laughing so hard, I almost peed.

At 7pm that night the curtain opened to thunderous applause, and this:

The sun is shining
Oh happy day
No more troubles
And no skies of gray
Ever since you said those words
To me

And then some horns would kick in with a resounding

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

This is the song that Howie started his show with. He wasn’t singing it either, in fact it wasn’t even done live, but shown on a movie screen.

The moon is shining
Oh happy night
Come to me darlin'
And hold me oh so tight
I need your lovin'
Ye-e-e-es I do

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

It looked like footage from the late 60’s perhaps, and the man singing it was approaching his golden years. He was wearing a three piece brown suit with a blue silk tie, and the backdrop behind him was reminiscent of Lawrence Welk. He sang this song, moving back and forth ever so slightly, his almost deadpan face every now and then betraying a smile. When he hit low notes, his sounded like a mooing cow.

You said you loved me
I know it’s true
My life’s complete dear
For now I have you
Oh happy day
Fo-o-or lucky me

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

It was a cute l’il ditty, mundane to a fault, and psychologically denting. You see, twenty minutes into show time Howie was still nowhere to be seen, and still playing over and over in endless loop was:

Oh happy day
Oh-o-o-o
Lucky meeeeee

The crowd started getting antsy, and by then EVERYONE was singing along to the

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

bit.

Almost a half-hour into the Oh happy day we were all anything but happy and finally, the little singing man was taken away. Comedian Tony Mendoza came and one of the first things he said to the crowd was, “If you’re ticked off now, wait until 3am when you’re trying to take a piss and all you can think of is…”

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

Tony was on for a good 20 minutes or so, then finally, Howie.

He’s very suave on Deal or No Deal, all business and designer suits. On the Vegas stage he was relaxed, in sneakers and jeans, talking at light speed and keeping us in stitches. He talked about his kids, his wife, driving, hedgehogs, women & menstruation, and parrots being sold for hash.

Towards the end of the night he showed us some candid video clips of him secretly filming customers at Supercuts, while he was disguised as the shampoo boy. He actually made one customer kneel on a stool with her head into the sink, then proceeded to hose down not just her hair, but her entire body. I haven’t laughed that hard since dancing with Lancene at my sister’s wedding.

Sandy and I cabbed it back to the Paris, and wasted no time jumping straight into bed. Under normal circumstances we would have been totally wrapped up in each other, but on our collective minds was just one thing:

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

“Cheech?”

“Yeah Ace?”

“I can’t stop thinking about that stupid song.”

“Me neither.”

And so together we hummed,

Dum
Da dum
Da dum da dum da dum
Da dum dum dum dum

“Cheech?”

“Yeah Ace?”

“We should sue Howie.”

“Uh huh.”

Da dum dum dum dum