Memoirs of a Fat Girl

The holidays are just around the corner, and with them, the guarantee of mad rushing and empty wallets.

Commercialism at its finest, that's what the season is about. Fine and dandy when you're a kid, but unless you have people to do your day job for you, really tiring as an adult.

It should be mandatory for everyone to watch the original cartoon version of How the Grinch stole Christmas every December 1st, I say. If we won't listen to priests, fables and homeless bums preaching the true spirit of the holidays, maybe Cindy Loo Who can set us straight.

Nevertheless, the situation is what it is and therefore, spend we must.

I love Christmas, and I love buying gifts for my loved ones. Fortunately, I love a lot of people. Unfortunately, that gets expensive, and so I have to get creative with my shopping. Outlets, warehouse sales and off the beaten path gifts are a big thing for me this time of year.

One of my favourite magazines recently featured a contest to win a Furla handbag, retail value $700, that just happened to have Oli's name written all over it. It was green, it was designerly gorgeous, and I knew my sister's chin would hit the ground when she unwrapped that on Christmas morning.

Contest rules: write about your niftiest time-saving tips.

Determined to win that handbag, I spent a week thinking about the 15 absolute coolest ways to save time. I wrote it all down, tweaked it, and on the morning of the contest's last day, had it all ready to send. Oli would have that Furla yet.

I went back into the magazine to get the e-mail address needed, and this popped out at me: Send your best time-saving tips for getting out the door in the morning with grace and style (or at least without the back of your skirt tucked into your hose).

Well, then. That certainly wasn't the question I remembered. It wasn't the topic I'd written about, either. And, that being my busiest work day, I didn't get anything else out in time to make the contest deadline.

Sorry, Oli. No Furla. Not for free, anyway. I shall have to trudge my way through Christmas hell with the rest of the general populace. But hopefully you'll have fun with what I did write, even if it doesn't look good on your arm.

I'll just add one teensy, tiny amendment. The biggest time saving tip of all is to READ THE QUESTION CAREFULLY THE FIRST TIME AROUND, no? Other than that, here's the rest:

15 No-Fail Tips for the Time-Strapped & Utterly Fabulous

15. Rip out the Snooze button on your clock radio. Deal with waking up right away when the alarm goes off.

14. Speaking of clocks, buy a small, waterproof one for your shower. This keeps you on your toes.

13. Use moisturizing soap. Your skin doesn’t have to suffer when you’re on the fly, and don’t have time for lotion.

12. Get thy reading done on the subway. It makes the journey faster, and it’s educational. Plus, your evening can now be written-word free.

11. Have punctual friends. Nothing is a bigger pain than watching your clothes wrinkle, because you’re waiting for someone to finish primping.

10. Give up one TV show. If you’re strong enough, give up TV altogether.

9. Make it a point to finish ALL your Holiday shopping in November, or by early December at the latest. If you don’t think this saves time, go and scope out a mall parking lot the week before Christmas. Every year you do this, you’ll be adding hours to your life, as opposed to wasting precious time on road rage and cashier lineups.

8. Every Saturday or Sunday, pre-plan your lunches for the week. This saves daily time, money, encourages you to eat healthy, and does away with extra workouts at the gym.

7. Own a top notch iron, with fabulous steaming features. Do you really want to waste a gorgeous spring day at the ironing table?

6. If you don’t have a crock pot, get one. Coming home to a waiting, hot meal is a huge plus, and saves you from last minute gorging on junk because you’re too hungry and lazy to make anything from scratch.

5. Get on the mailing lists of warehouse and outlet sales sites. One-stop shopping at these places saves you time AND money.

4. Don’t shave, wax.

3. If driving, know thy side and one-way streets. Main roads spell disaster for rush hour gridlock.

2. Read a computers book, or take a course. Yes, this is time consuming, but it saves you *a lot* of headaches and dollars in the long run. And, it makes you technologically independent.

1. If he’s an ass – and deep down, you *always* know if he’s an ass – dump him. This will save you minutes, hours, days and years. What could be better than that?