Memoirs of a Fat Girl

It was a good birthday.

I slept in a little, I enjoyed the rain a little, I enjoyed everything else a lot. The rest of the day fell into place beautifully.

Birthday Rule #1: Go Outside

The outdoors is the glory of our existence. Savour the elements on your day. After my usual one egg breakfast & birthday offering of card + present from moms and pops, I took them and Bluetooth to Dog Hill, a.k.a. the canine heaven of west end pooches. Plunk in the middle of our city's largest park, Dog Hill is a huge, sandy off leash area for any dog and owner willing to brave its happy, cartoon nature. If a dog starts talking or doing anything remotely Disney, it's likely to be here.

After the rain the day stayed gorgeous, and we all had a blast. Didn't stay for long, though - Blue is a bit of a snob and happens to prefer people to dogs. I think he thinks he is people.

I did go downtown later on, and did what I try to do for every birthday I've had since my teen years. Spend a little time alone, and do a little time shopping.

I'm lucky in that I was born in the first days of summer, which is such a great weather time of year. Looking back, I can't remember all that many birthdays without clear blue skies and happy yellow sunshine. The temperature is never too high, which I like, and the humidity usually hasn't set in yet. That's even better.

Birthday Rule #2: Alone Time

Alone time is good. I highly recommend it. Alone time on your birthday is a must, even if just for a few minutes. You've just finished a year of your life, after all, and today is the first day of the next 364. There is reflection, there are plans, there are goals and ambitions, creativity, love and dreams to be had. Even if all you can do is sneak out for a sundae, do it. You'll thank me, I promise.

When my train pulled into the city, I got off at my stop and made my way outside, where I settled myself in cafe seating beside a large fountain. I'd come here specifically for that reason, and commenced on my alone time. As for what I was thinking, I'll just have to give you a smile and a curtsey. That's for me, myself and I, younglings, me, myself and I. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

After the alone time came the shopping time.

Birthday Rule #3: Gift Thyself

For pete's sake, give yourself something. This is your day. It doesn't have to be lavish, even if you don't have a nickel to your name, just string together a necklace from macaroni noodles and dance to "Le Freak". There will be other presents, naturally, but who better to treat the star of the show, than the star of the show?

My 30th was especially memorable. I was alone, I'd just turned the fabulous age, there was a wad of cash burning a hole in my pocket and I was determined to be queen of the hour. Fifty-nine minutes and one empty wallet later, I was the giddy owner of a Virginia Johnson print blouse, metallic gold Farylrobin sandals, Me & Ro silver earrings, and fantastically strappy leather and rope Miu Mius on a 4.5 inch heel.

The Miu Mius were and are my favourite of the haul. I was so happy to find intensely gorgeous shoes that fit my duck feet, I didn't think twice about dropping the $200 for them. Imagine my shock and disbelief when, back on the train, I saw the tag with the original price crossed off, which was a rather unholy amount of $500. I suppose I could have been thinking, "Oh man, I just got $200 shoes," but exploding in my head instead was, "OH MAN, I JUST GOT REGULARLY $500 DOLLAR SHOES! THIS IS SO SEX AND THE CITY!"

Good times. Unfortunately, no massive wad this year, but still enough in the birthday fund for some special treatment. First stop: Capri pants.

My relationship with capri pants started off shifty. I hated them because they reminded me too much what of kept happening to my regular pants in the heyday of my growth spurt. Think ankle air, clam digs, Steve Urkel.

And then, in the past few months or so, I'm thinking hmm, these are pretty snazzy. They aren't pants, they aren't shorts, and they are oh so cute for summer. Hello, blue Z-Brand Nomads. I got them because I think they are supercool, and because I have never had capri pants. The were adorable, on sale, and a wee bit too small. Hey, there are goals to achieve. I'm not going to buy fat clothes forever.

After the capris came the white gold earrings. Okay, I know *exactly* what you're saying. "White Gold! You said you didn't have a lot of money to spend!" And I don't, my darlings, I don't. That is why I went to the Gold Exchange.

The Gold Exchange is where you take your gold when you want to sell it, then lo and behold, it is melted down to make something else. Secondhand, vintage jewellery in a new package, per se. The place itself is tacky, flea market-ish and sells stuff I wouldn't be caught dead in, like huge rings with the Cadillac logo.

Again, I know what you're thinking. Why would I be in such a tacky place on my birthday? Because, darlings, if you're patient and a treasure hunter, the Gold Exchange can come up with some pretty surprising stuff. And, the need for hoops outweighed the, umm, questionable ambience. I went through the entirety of high school in hoop earrings of various metals and sizes, and a number of years ago switched to ear huggies. Ear huggies are not diapers, they are hoops that hug your ears, or, fit as close to the lobes as possible.

Over the weekend I noticed that Oli had gotten some bigger hoops, and they made me wistful for my youth. Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing... *Anyway*, I didn't have to dig too long before finding my twisted white gold hoops, all of one inch in width, and I must say, they look smashing. Especially with my hair loose, which is exactly how I wore it.

Oh yes, just one more thing. The latest Donna Hay magazine, which I collect, purchased with part of Pinky's gift: certificate to be spent at big, huge bookstore. She also got me a lovely shell necklace and not one, but *three* (aieeeee!!)) Andy Warhol notepads complete with colourful little pencil! Pinky and I have a thing for paper products.

Birthday Rule #4: Friends & Family

The icky thing about Monday birthdays is the Monday itself. People are busy, the week is starting, bla bla, and so it is a difficult time. I understand that and it's always cool, but the great thing is that the people who matter most will always take the extra step for you. Even if it's just a phone call, it's a couple of minutes from their busy day to let you know you are thought of, and you are important. I like that.

I got calls from all my friends, local and worldwide, every last one wishing me well. I got texts, I got cards, I got presents. I got Oli, Raj and James, easily on Tier One of My Absolutely most Big League Peoples on this here planet taking me out to dinner and showering me with gifts.

Birthday Rule #5: One Special Meal

It's not about sitting in front of a gigantic cake, fork in hand, proclaiming, "It's my damn birthday!" and then chowing down, it's about one of the day's meals being a little better than any of the others. I requested sushi, and they took care of the rest.

James picked the restaurant. Foodie that he is, he knows all the gourmet hotspots from a five-star heaven, to a hidden hole in the wall. Raj and Oli made the plan, and we all met at the mall to go down togther. You'll be tempted to think I am a shopping diva (which I so am), but Oli and Raj both work at the mall.

I don't remember the name of the place, but I do remember the smiley Japanese waitress, James downing his Sapporo, and soup in a conch shell that I spilled all over my placemat. Happy Birthday! I also remember the incredibly fresh hamachi (yellowtail) sashimi, my absolute fave, and rolls so absurdly huge we could barely fit them in our mouths.

'Tis the insult of the sushi restaurant roll: the seaweed makes it impossible to cut or take bites, so when they're that big you're unceremoniously reduced to jaw fractures and chipmunk cheeks. Don't laugh, or you spew rice. I laughed.

Post meal, I found myself surrounded by gifts. Besides last week's hair cut & colour *and* paying for everyone's dinner, Oli got me some extra beauty products and these wowzer patio glasses with straws (aieee!) that you never throw away. I have a feeling i will never be using these straws, because they are beautiful and I don't trust my guests to not chew on them. Stupid guests. I will put them on a pedestal and use them before I die.

She also gave me Corey's gift, who couldn't be there. There was a card, an envelope with a Sephora gift certificate (aieeeee!!!) and another little note that said: "This gift card entitles you to the purchase of any paint of your choice, and all labour to be performed by your future brother in-law. Paint supplies are included." AIEEE! My walls get colour!

Raj said he didn't have time to get me a gift, so I swakked him one on the cheek. A swak is a kiss. I don't care if I get gifts or not, I was just so happy they were there. James put a book in front of me, Good Omens, and said it was a last minute little cheap thing.

Good Omens is a sci-fi book. James is sci-fi. I am not sci-fi. Because I love James, I will do my best to be sci-fi.

Raj then pulls this huge box out of his Gucci bag and says, "This followed us home too."

This is where my mouth fell open. There might even have been drool. The package Raj put in front of me was a jewellery box, from a seriously high end jewellery store, with a "From your Boyfriends" card attached to it. I was almost scared to open it.

When I did open it, no "aieee." I was too busy having a stroke.

It was a necklace. Not just any necklace either, but the silver and gold necklace I have been ogling since its launch in 2002, when some gorgeous Lithuanian model was plastered on skyscrapers and bus shelters everywhere wearing this necklace. MY necklace now. It is nine pebbles, eight in silver and one in gold, hanging down in a straight line from a silver wire around the neck. Atrocious price tag. I've been staring at it for four years and thinking to myself, when I have a better job, when I'm done decorating my place, when I clear this or that credit card, I'm going to buy myself this, just because.

Raj and James have gone ahead and done that for me. I was speechless. Not at the amazing and wonderful gift I'd just received, but that I had friends who thought so much of me, they would go out of their way like that. I can only imagine what my expression looked like. I turned to Raj and said, "Bunny, I love you no matter what you get me, but this is way too much."

He reached over to squeeze my ear and said, "You deserve it, kookoo."

And so, after suffocating them with hugs and smooshy kisses on both their cheeks, I told Raj that just for this, I would listen to his full list of complaints for one week. He laughed and told me, "Darling, I am going to make FULL use of that!"

I know he will, too.

On, the necklace looks gorgeous. I've opened the box a hundred times in the past two days, because I can't believe I have it. Raj can complain for two weeks.

Birthday Rule #6: You are the Celebration of Your Life

On the way home, Oli and I stopped off at a specialty foods store. I picked up some sparkling lemonade, and made it my toast. Happy Birthday, dear girl. You are one year older, one year more experienced, and definitely one year more backwards. It's going to be a good one.

Oh yes, before I forget, there was one more present. Jess bought me a plane ticket.

Aieee?