Memoirs of a Fat Girl

I went to the tanning salon today. My skin is just the right shade to accomodate my nice new haircut & colour (chocolate truffle), my toes have been pedicured (turquoise), the shopping has been done. All bills have been taken care of, Bluetooth had his annual checkup a few weeks early (just in case), my intinerary has been written out, copies of important documents have been made, my new passport is in my travelling clutch, money has been converted to the currencies I'll be needing. My bags are packed and locked. I'm ready.

I'm a well seasoned traveller. If you were to look at my life from the outside in, I'm as prepared as they come.

In other ways I'm not so ready, meaning that I don't have a cute l'il bikini body to flaunt around the beach with. Not even close.

I had pictures in my mind for this trip. Gorgeous me traipsing through the desert, almost black curls flying out behind me and impressing all with my fabulously new and much smaller wardrobe. I was going to take pictures again, I was going to write again, I was going to have the air of confidence that made people double take when they saw me with a, "Hey, sexy lady!"

It was going to be the start of a whole new life for me.

The funny thing is, I'm not disappointed. Not at all. If this was a few years ago I would beat myself up into a crying fit and be down on myself the whole while. I don't want to do that anymore. And while my bikini body has yet to make an appearance, my sources tell me I'm several pounds lighter, and a whole size smaller.

How will I go to Jordan, then? I will traipse through the desert sans hair clip, and my almost black curls will fly out behind me. I don't know if I'll be impressing anyone with my wardrobe since none of it is new, but then it does happen to be the next best thing: a good pile of fabulous fashions that sat in a pile for years, neglected, because I couldn't button up any of it. I will take pictures again, I will write again, and I will have the air of confidence that will make people turn their heads when I walk by, even if just to think, "Who's that girl?"

It's not that this was supposed to be the start of a whole new life for me, it's that this IS the start of a whole new life for me. I'm not going the way I wanted to, but there is change in me. I can feel it working, and I know it shows.

I am very, very happy with that.

The picture I had in my mind three months ago does not match the picture of me now, but I'm more ready than I've been in years. Let the adventure begin.